Invictus
by petticoatannie
Summary: HYDRA's exposed, SHIELD is officially over and The Winter Soldier is lost somewhere in the middle. At least he's not lost alone. Lucy was just a tech in way too deep. Ashamed of what she's done, Lucy wants to help him come to terms with his past & help him repair his relationship with Steve. Lucy never meant to feel this way and Bucky didn't think he could feel at all.
1. Chapter 1

As I sat, cable tied to my kitchen chair, my mouth gagged with torn up tea towel from The Smithsonian gift shop, I didn't have to ask _why me?_ I knew exactly how I ended up in this situation, I guess I deserved it and I felt lucky to be still breathing.

Have you ever watched something so terrible happen and did nothing to try and stop it?

You can never escape a moment like that. The guilt; It's there when you close your eyes at night, its sitting on your shoulder during quiet moments of your day. It haunts your senses.

I can taste the solder fumes, they taint my morning coffee; and the smell of spent gun powder, mingled with sweat and my own fear lingers even after countless showers. I can hear the sparking of electrical current when I'm alone. And the screams; the screams are worst of all.

I am ashamed of myself. And I am embarrassed of my own stupidity in allowing myself to be so deceived.

Of course I can accuse others of their duplicity, I am one of thousands fooled. _We didn't know! Impossible, how could it be true? I didn't know! I didn't know!_

And I didn't know, despite being in the belly of the beast I hadn't a clue who I was really working for. _Highly classified. Special weapon programme. Counter terrorism. The Asset. Top secret._ I was an electrical engineering technician, in way over her depth; I'd never even been cleared for field work before. I signed hundreds of papers to swear I'd never breathe a word about what I worked on, whom and what I saw. And up until recently, I never did.

I had been comfortable working for the SHIELD research division, I felt like I was doing some good. After the battle in New York I joined the academy, straight from college and I felt valued working on tech that would help protect us from any threat. Out of the blue I was approached by Pierce to work on a Special weapon programme. I was astounded. There are people in my lab more qualified, more experienced, more talented than I. I was beyond flattered. I couldn't refuse the opportunity or the salary that came with it.

"_You say in your application to the academy that you want to make a difference in the world. Help save it. You'll be making more of a difference in this programme than you ever would at your desk in research_" _he told me what I wanted to hear._

"_What have I done to make me stand out?_" _I asked Pierce._

"_Nothing, you're unremarkable_" _he replied and then_. "_Do you still volunteer at the prosthetics department at the VA hospital?" _

"_Every Wednesday" I answered._

"_In what capacity?" He inquired, sitting back in his office chair._

"_Bionic Prosthesis" I replied. He nodded, quietly satisfied._

"_I think you'll be well suited to the programme. It'll be an opportunity for you to combine both skill sets_" he informed me.

"_I thought this was a weapons programme?"_ _I checked, confused._

"_It is"_ _he clarified._

_When I saw the programme, or The Asset_ as _I learned to call him I understood._

_He was the weapon. With a cybernetic arm._

_I was told nothing about his identity beyond he was wounded in a combat zone, lost his left arm and that he had volunteered for an experimental weapons programme. Whoever he was he had agreed to a cybernetic prosthetic, to undergo physical training and mental conditioning for him to be an effective operative, the pivotal member of the STRIKE team._

_My role within the programme was assisting in the maintenance of the 'tech'._

_I was never allowed to be alone with The Asset nor was I allowed to communicate with The Asset. I was taught to think of The Asset as not existing beyond the circuitry and metal tech._

_The first few times I worked on him were just maintenance runs, checking everything was in order. He was always laid back still on the chair when I was allowed into the vault and didn't move as we removed and replaced the plates, ran diagnostics. I didn't even see his face, it was always covered with a mask and goggles. He was anonymous. He didn't even seem real. Any initial apprehension I may have felt waivered. This might not be any different to the work I'd carried out back on my desk in the research lab. Then the first active assignment occurred and we waited inside the vault for The Asset to return. Things changed._

_To see him in motion was something else. He became very real. He was tall and walked confidently across to the prep chair. Power and danger in every step. He looked at me although I couldn't see his face, he still wore his mask and I felt afraid as I sensed eyes behind the goggles watching me as I worked unlinking plates, my hands shaking, to allow the doctor to ensure everything was working just as it should underneath. I could feel my heart pounding inside my chest. I couldn't breathe. When Pierce arrived for a mission report I was so relieved to be ordered out of the room. I pushed open the doors to the outside, I peeled off my surgical mask gasping for air, under the watchful eye of Rollins, one of the STRIKE team._

_When I returned to the room, Pierce was leaving with an array of men, those that remained seemed satisfied with the outcome of the mission. I saw that his mask was removed, I heard myself exhale loudly at seeing some of his features for the first time. A strong jaw, set firm, a little dimple on a stubble chin and his lips pressed together tight. I hovered behind Doctor Fogal while he completed the diagnostics and signed off that all was working perfectly._

_"The Asset is ready to wipe"_ _he told the room._

_"Wipe?"_ _I asked confused._

_"Memory wipe. Standard post mission protocol"_ _he replied_.

_"But how will he..." I paused forgetting myself. I already knew I'd never forget he was a person again. I swallowed hard and continued_. _"The Assset. How will The Asset recall the programme?_"

_"Short term memory erasure allows The Asset to recall the programme but not the particulars of the assignment"_ _Doctor Fogal explained_.

_"I didn't know"._ _I shook my head. I knew that he was listening, he sat motionless on the chair, facing straight ahead but I knew he was taking everything in._

_"Is this a problem for you?"_ _He asked, his eyes narrowing. I felt the hairs on my arms stand up, the coolness in his voice worried me._

_"Ethically..."_ _I began._

_"Ethically?"_ _he interrupted me, scoffing_._ "The tech you work on is designed to kill, efficiently and effectively as possible. I believe you signed away some of those ethics when you joined the programme Miss King"._ _Fogal, shut his eyes and pursed his lips annoyed at himself for mentioning my name. That wasn't protocol_. _"Place this in the mouth"_ _He handed me a gum shield. I took it and held it hesitantly in front of The Asset's face. His lips remained closed_.

"_I'm sorry I need you to...Could you..."_ _I stumbled over my words and then cringed. I'd broken protocol myself by talking him to him directly. I was getting fired for sure._

_"Don't bother he knows what to do", Fogal said as he tapped some commands on the keyboard. I stared at him open mouthed. He'd referred to The Asset as a 'he' too and yet Fogal remained completely detached to the human part of the tech. I shivered, wondering if that was my future._

_The Asset's real arm reached forward and took the gum shield out of my hand, his wrist touching mine for a fraction of a second. The contact startled me so much I jumped backwards. I heard Rollins laugh behind me._

_He put the gum shield in and sat back in the chair as it tipped flat._

"_Technician, you're excused"_ _Fogal told me and smiled. I'd always sort of enjoyed working with Fogal up until that point, he was methodical and congenial even but now I hated that smile. And that stupid bow tie._

_I gathered myself and walked out of the room, escorted by a member of the STRIKE team._

_When I heard the screams of pain from The Asset I kept on walking along the corridor as if I couldn't hear them. And I will always be ashamed of it._

_That night I couldn't sleep, I was convinced I'd find myself thrown off the programme, fired from SHIELD. And I didn't know whether that made me afraid or relieved! In the morning I arrived at the vault as usual, my access card, fingerprint scan and codes all remained working and the metal gate doors were opened for me as they did as normal. But I saw things a little differently._

It didn't matter now though. Too late. HYDRA was exposed, SHIELD was all but gone. And I had sealed my fate the day Pierce asked if I could see him in his office.

_The Asset_, or James as I knew he was now, stood before me in my own kitchen. A gun on my counter top and a knife in his hands.

"King...King, Lucy King" he mused. "You left". He accused.

I nodded. It was the truth.

"I need your help" he stated. I'd done nothing so many times before, I couldn't do that now. I nodded.

James stepped forward, he placed the knife edge to my throat. Terrified, I shook and tears became to form. He sniffed in derision and sliced the tea towel gag off me. And involuntary shriek escape from my lips and his metal hand clasped over my mouth muffling my cries.

"Don't, don't do that. If I wanted you dead, you'd be dead" he whispered. I tried to swallow my fear, took a moment to steady and I nodded my head again. He released his hold.

"You...remember...me?" I stuttered.

"I remember you" he said simply, his blue eyes not breaking contact with mine.

"What do you need?" I asked.

"You're my technician" he replied.

"You need help with your arm?"

"That's where we'll start".


	2. Chapter 2

It was a mistake coming here, I knew that the second I pushed passed the rapidly shutting door to her home. But there was something not right about the arm. It had taken a beating on that carrier and it felt different. There was nowhere else I knew I could go. She screamed when she saw me. That was anticipated. The fighting back although not totally unexpected was more prolonged than I thought. She was always so meek. I put the metal hand over her mouth and encircled her, trying to keep her contained. She surprised me by throwing her head back, pointless really as she was too small for it to connect with anything but my chest. She kicked though, catching my legs but I never felt any pain from it. Threshold too high for kicks from a 115lb woman. I was sorry to have to knock her out but I had to.

I found some cable ties in her kitchen drawers and bound her arms to the chair and tore up a cloth to keep her quiet when she came to. I sat opposite her waiting for her to wake up. It felt like a role reversal. Her strapped to a chair. _Miss King._

_The first few times I saw her are blurry. I was still coming out of cryo. Pierce &amp; the doctors were still the same but the team he'd assembled were different. And I noticed her because she was the only woman in a room full of testosterone. She was quiet and worked diligently. I doubt she even realised the metal arm came attached to a man. But she was afraid of me. I remember her fear after assignments. I remember how she changed. She spoke about me like a I was person instead of a weapon._ _She spoke to me_. _She asked me...not an order or an instruction_; _she asked me_.

_Miss King._

_The doctor let that one slip. A new name for me to know. I didn't even know my own name so learning something new about someone else was important. King, King. I kept it all to myself. Something they didn't know about me. I wanted to know more._

_I learned her first name later on._

_Her ID card slipped off her lab coat. No one saw it fall, I put my foot over it and pulled it towards me. With their backs turned I reached and picked it up. I waited to look at it. There was her picture. She was smiling in it. I was stunned. Her chestnut hair that she normally wound up on top of her head was loose and wavy. Her big brown eyes were bright, her apple cheeks flushed with excitement and her smile was warm. She'd been happy when this was taken. It jarred against who she was and what she did here. There was no name, just a bar code and a series of numbers. I slipped the card under me on the chair before they resumed their testing. Then the doctor left the room, leaving her to tidy the equipment up at the desk._

_There was only one of Pierces men in the room, he was shifting about looking uncomfortable. I don't know why they were needed. They couldn't stop me if I really wanted to do something of my own volition. King was sat on a chair, spinning slowly from side to side. I caught her looking at me and she looked at the floor immediately. I enjoyed that._

_"What's wrong with you?" She asked the guard who was dancing about on his feet._

_"I gotta take a piss" he replied. She chewed her lip, unsure._

_"So... go", she offered. _

_"It's not protocol" the guard replied._

_"Neither is peeing all over the lab floor", she announced. I had to bite the inside of my cheek. I felt the unfamiliar urge to smile._

_The guard regarded me, wondering I suppose if I would present a problem if I were left alone with her. I kept my face as blank as ever. I couldn't miss this opportunity._

_"There'll be no problem" I said._

_"Alright" he said at length. "You got a panic button right?" She reached in to the pocket of her lab coat and nodded at him._

_I waited until I was sure he was gone. She kept her hand in her pocket, watching me carefully._

_"You wont need that" I assured her. She didn't reply. She was still sat on the far side of the room. I needed her closer._

_"I have something of yours" I told her, slowly reaching for the ID card. I held it out for her. She patted her other pocket where it was usually pinned. Slowly she stepped forward._

_"I didn't realise I dropped it. Thank you" she reached the for badge and as she did so I caught her wrist. She gasped and jumped backwards._

_"Don't push the button. I'm not going to hurt you" I told her, relaxing my grip slightly. "What's your name?"_

_"I can't...I can't tell you that", she stammered, looking towards the door._

_"You can. What's your name?"_

_"Why do you want to know?" She asked._

_"So I can know you" I replied._

_"Lucy", she answered. I nodded and let go. She stepped back immediately and hovered by the door as she fixed her ID badge to the coat, flustered._

I saw the lab coat hanging on the back of the door here in her kitchen. I knew she'd help me.

"I have tools and equipment in that black case over there" She gestured to the boxy case I had seen her pick up when she walked out of the vault for the last time. I bought it over to her my wary eyes not leaving her the entire time. I placed it on her lap. Lucy's hands were still bound to the chair.

"Are we enemies?" I asked unexpectedly.

"No. yes. I don't know" She admitted, her wide brown eyes were full of sadness and regret. "But I will help you, if you promise that you won't hurt me".

"I already said you'd be dead if I wanted that".

"Dead is not hurting" she said quietly. I decided that I wouldn't hurt her some time ago. She wasn't a threat. But she didn't need to know that. That would be a weakness and I couldn't afford to have those.

"I won't hurt you" I agreed. I saw her sigh with some relief.

"You have to untie me and you'll need to sit down" She told me.

I hesitated a little before snapping off the cable ties. She rolled her free wrists, they were marked and sore where the plastic had rubbed on her skin and I regretted pulling them so tight. Lucy moved off the chair to allow me to take her place. I picked up the gun from the counter top and she eyed it suspiciously.

"A precaution" I shrugged when I saw her flinch.

"Against what?"

"You doing something stupid, like messing up in there instead of fixing up" I accused.

"Why would I do that? You know you could quite easily kill me with your other arm alone. You don't need the gun James" she accused.

"Don't call me that" I snapped angrily and she backed away. There was that name again, the same name the mission had called me. A burst of images invaded my head, the mission – I knew him from before, a train, falling, cold snowy ground.

"I'm sorry" she was instantly contrite, her hands in the air in terrified surrender. I hadn't even realised I was standing over her aiming the gun at her face. I backed away and slumped in the chair pointing the gun downwards.

"Just fix the arm" I ordered.

She knelt beside me as she did whatever the hell it was she did in there. She muttered a few things about circuits and not having the software, I smelt the solder iron and heard the sparks of electricity until things started to feel more 'normal' in there. And I listened to her breathe as she worked, I closed my eyes for a moment and ignored everything but that gentle sound that I found so...comforting between assignments. The calm.

She was always so out of place in the vault. She didn't fit in with the cold harsh focus of the programme. She was the lamb in a den of lions.

"What happened to Captain Rogers?" Lucy asked quietly, snapping me out of that calm.

"You want a mission report?" I asked harshly. "Do you have the kit to wipe me after?"

"I'm sorry" she said again. Her eyes swam with tears and I felt pangs of something uncomfortable in my chest.

"Mission failure" I answered and she wiped a tear away with the back of her hand, relieved and positioned the soldering iron back at my arm. Fifteen minutes later she was finished.

"I've done the best I can given the circumstances. I couldn't see any severe damage",she scrunched up her nose and shook her head. "It's difficult without the software, I can't run proper tests".

I stood up and flexed the arm, it felt good, not perfect but good.

"Thank you" I told her. She half smiled and nodded. I took one last long look at her, unsure if I'd see her kind face again. "I need to leave".

"How did you know where I lived?"

"I visited your former employers headquarters. I had your name, they trained me to find people as well as eliminate them".

"I'm not your enemy" Lucy offered in a little voice as I reached the door. "Do they know about me?"

"No. I lied for you". Her body relaxed for the first time since I forced my way in to her apartment. She exhaled deeply and rested her head back against the wall.

"Thank you" she said breathlessly. I nodded briefly and opened the door.

"Wait! Will I see you again? Your arm..." she called out, placing her hand on the metal arm and I paused once more unnerved by her touch. My eyes met hers.

"I don't know. I have to know...I have to know who I am. He gave me a name. The name you called me. And I remember him. I need to know" I answered her with an honesty that shocked me.

"He'll help you. He's a good man". I shook my head. "You were friends once" Lucy's eyes pleaded with mine.

"You seem so sure. You know him that well?"

"Everybody knows him. If you want a place to start you should head for the Smithsonian. You might be surprised who you meet there, James".


	3. Chapter 3

"Wow I'm so glad you took my request to meet me _alone_ seriously Sam, it really makes me want to trust you now" I scowled sarcastically at the man I called that morning asking if he would meet me at the outdoor café in the park. "No offence" I added quickly to the other, sitting down in the chair opposite them. He put his hands up as if to say none taken. Of course he wouldn't, he was too much of an old-fashioned gent that Captain America.

"Are you actually wearing sunglasses and a trench coat?" Sam Wilson retorted leaning back in his chair crossing his hands behind his head. I knew Sam Wilson from my time at the VA hospital, he counselled vets with PTSD and our paths crossed. He'd become a friend of mine and I thought with him once being in the army he might be able to help me out. That and I could trust him with what I knew and he could pass what I knew on to Steve without me actually being involved.

"Well I don't exactly want people to know I'm talking to anyone" I replied looking around the park. It was very busy, plenty of chatter. "No offence" I added again to Captain Rogers. I suppose I did look a little ridiculous but I was being truthful. And I was scared.

"Are you in danger?" Captain Rogers asked resting his arms on the table as he leaned in closer.

"I wish I knew" I sighed taking off my sunglasses.

"Sam tells me you work for SHIELD?" He continued.

"That was my belief, yes" I replied and bristled in my chair.

"That is what we all believed" he half smiled encouragingly.

"My situation is a little different to yours" I went on, my fingers absently playing with the sugar packets in the bowl, ashamed. "_You_ did work for SHIELD, sure an organisation that was so covertly infiltrated not even the top guys knew but me? Me, I worked for HYDRA". I looked up then, they were instantly rigid, backs straight as a rod. I saw Sam slip his hand in to his pocket and Rogers wasn't looking so affable now. "You could at least let me finish before you go for the attack" I continued.

"So this is you turning yourself in?" Sam accused angrily. "Damn Lucy! What the hell is this?"

"No!" I replied stung. "I didn't know that I was working for HYDRA, Pierce recruited me, it was a weapon programme. Jesus, I thought it was a promotion! I swear to you I didn't know".

"Project Insight?" Rogers queried.

"No" I shook my head confused. "The Asset. The Metal armed killing machine. I believe you've met".

"Bucky" Rogers replied sadly. I nodded.

"You're here about The Winter Soldier" Sam concluded.

"I'm here about the man" I clarified.

"So talk" Rogers instructed. So I did. I told them both everything I did in the vault, everyone I spoke to, everything I saw. I told them my big guilty secret.

"And you didn't know it was him? You didn't recognise him? He's in an exhibition!" Sam asked incredulously.

"No, like I said he was masked most of the time. The very first time I saw his face I thought I knew something. He was familiar".

I recalled the first time I saw his face completely unguarded from mask or goggles. I wasn't meant to be there but Fogal called me in to assist on some evaluation. He'd been re-testing the arms ability to withstand an EMP. That was all we did, test and re-test. I walked through the bar doors and he was there, without his mask. Without his goggles and I had the wind knocked out of me. He was kind of handsome. His eyes were blue. I hadn't expected that.

But they were dulled, there was no life in those eyes. And I knew it was because of this programme. What had we done to this man?

As we worked I couldn't stop myself from looking at him. I pitied him. What life had he had before this? What family had he sacrificed to become our lab rat, to become Pierces lethal tool? I wondered if there was a lover out there that was mourning him, if she was sitting at home remembering the man he once was. Friends that would raise a glass in a toast for him. I'd never know that man. I only knew the wiring and the systems in his arm. The guilt that I had felt that evening still lived inside of me.

The more I looked the more his face became familiar. Like I had seen him somewhere before. I told myself I was being ridiculous. I had no idea who this man was. But then again...?

He caught me looking, I glanced down so quickly, my cheeks were burning bright red.

The first time I saw his face was the first time I was ever alone with him. And that night I told him my name.

"When did you know it was Sgt Barnes?" Rogers asked me quietly.

"When he came back from the fighting you on the highway bridge. He said...he said he knew you. And then it all fell in to place", I confessed. "I don't know what happened to him. How he ended up here or anything but I wanted you to know what he was doing for Pierce. And what we were doing to him. And I'm sorry. I know that an apology is not enough but I am truly sorry". I was embarrassed to discover my cheeks were damp, I didn't even realise I'd let myself cry. I wiped my eyes and sniffed.

Steve nodded, accepting my explanation.

"I have to take this to SHIELD right? Hand myself in?" I asked.

"SHIELD's a mess. But you should speak to Hill" Captain Rogers explained.

"Deputy Director Hill?" I clarified.

"Yeah she doesn't hold that position now".

"Then why would I speak to her?"

"She's not out of the game. It'd be good to have someone like that to have your back. She works for Stark now, maybe she could get you a job there. Electronics being your field and all?" Sam interjected.

"I don't know, I was thinking maybe you could help me disappear Sam" I told him looking around warily.

"Someone really coming after you girl?"

"What aren't you telling us?" Rogers asked, leaning in. I swallowed hard.

"Two nights ago he turned up at my apartment. Tied me to a chair" I started. They looked at each other open-mouthed and then back to me.

"Did he hurt you?" Rogers asked squeezing my hand.

"No, I guess you damaged his arm some when you fought on the Helicarrier. He wanted it repaired and I did as I asked."

"Do you know if he's still in the city?" Rogers asked.

"I don't know. I told him to find you. That you'd help him. He wants to know who he is. I don't know if he'll come back", I replied.

"Lucy I can help him. I know Bucky. I knew the man he was and I know what HYDRA did to him and I know he was used by the Soviets..."

"Wait what?" I interrupted.

"A friend gave me file on him, The Winter Soldier. If he ever contacts you, tell him I have answers" Rogers told me. And I nodded. I wouldn't mind some answers to questions of my own but right here wasn't the time.


	4. Chapter 4

I interviewed for Stark Industries as Sam advised, I got myself a new job, new city, new apartment and a new haircut. I spoke to Hill and she told me to prepare to answer some serious questions by the authorities when the time came but no one from any investigating committees ever knocked on my door. That was _surprising_. From what I saw on the news and read in the papers there was always someone being pulled in to explain themselves to government inquiries but somehow I had managed to escape that.

It appeared HYDRA didn't follow me to NYC either, I had achieved what I had wanted, to disappear. It didn't stop me from looking over my shoulder and carry a veritable buffet of pepper spray options but it was easy to get lost in the crowd here. I rarely went out, I didn't make any new friends, I went back to being unremarkable. Sam Wilson and Steve Rogers knew where they could find me. Sam checked in every once and while. They poured over the file that Steve's friend had supplied trying to figure out any clue where Barnes might be but they hadn't been able to pin him down. He was a ghost. And he haunted me still.

I found it difficult to sleep through the night without waking from some dream. However they began they always ended the same. His metal hand around my neck, squeezing and squeezing until I was dead. His eyes were cold, accusing and unforgiving. I always woke gasping for air, my fingers pulling at an invisible vice.

The alarm clock's neon green glow let me know it was 3am, I'd awoken panicked from another dream. I sat up and rubbed at my temples, maybe I should go see a doctor, get some sedatives or something. There was no point trying to go back to sleep now, I dragged myself off the bed and padded into the kitchen to make some coffee.

Hugging my mug I settled on the sofa, putting my feet up on the and pulling the comforter around me. I wondered if he felt able to sleep without it being induced.

_As more and more time working on the programme passed the rigidity of some tasks were relaxed. When The Asset was in induced sleep I was allowed to set up the lab for the doctors without supervision. Alone._

_One occasion he'd been unconscious for 12 hours since his last assignment. His long brown hair fallen in front of his closed eyes. Even in sleep he didn't look content. I leaned over him slowly, checking his vitals in on the monitor, his heart rate was steady, no sudden spikes at my close proximity. I gently brushed the loose strands of hair out of his face. I knew I shouldn't have done it but I couldn't help myself like I had to touch him. His eyes snapped open and I jumped backwards._

_"What are you doing?" he asked me._

_"Nothing" I lied going back to the desk, hastily moving things around that didn't need to be tidied._

_"You're not a good liar" he accused._

_"You had a...hair thing. It was in your face, thought it might be itchy" I confessed._

_He sat slowly forward on the chair and the corners of his mouth raised slightly. He was almost smiling. I couldn't believe it. I found myself smiling back. He looked around the room._

_"There's no one else in the lab" I told him._

_"I know" he replied. "That's against protocol"._

_"Well you're supposed to be sleeping" I explained and sat down on the stool opposite him. That familiarity hit me, I wish I could shake the feeling I knew him._

_"It's not sleep" he informed me pulling the ECG discs off his chest and tossed them on the desk. He rose from the chair and stretched his neck, rolled his shoulders and arms. It felt very, very wrong to be staring open mouthed at his bare chest, the way his muscles moved under his skin. So much power there. This was completely wrong. He towered above me just looking right into my eyes. The panic alarm in my pocket felt like a kilogram weight. I pushed the stool backwards some with my feet to put some distance in between us and he stepped forward._

_"What was my last assignment?" he asked me of the blue._

_"I don't know" I replied truthfully._

_"You're not allowed to know?" He questioned._

_"Neither are you" I said getting up off the stool. He was so close to me I almost bumped right in to him. My eyes looked straight into the security camera as I returned to the desk._

_"You're afraid of the others" he said following me._

_"I'm not afraid of them" I laughed uncomfortably through my lie._

_"You're different to them" he summarized. "You don't talk to me like I'm a machine"._

_"I shouldn't talk to you at all" I admitted quietly, absently picking up the ECG discs and running them across my knuckles._

_"I remember...I remember a rooftop" he shared suddenly. I looked up alarmed. His brow was knotted in confusion, his eyes lost in turmoil. Pangs of pity stirred inside of me._

_"What do you mean?" I whispered._

_"My last assignment"._

_"But they wiped you" I pointed out. I had a very bad feeling about this, the cameras were watching but I didn't know if they had audio. "Look!" I announced suddenly. "I don't want to talk about this or to you about anything anymore"._

_"Why not?" He asked, he looked a little stung, like a chastised little boy._

_"I need you to put these back on and be ready for a diagnostic test before Doctor Fogal arrives" I held out the ECG monitor discs in my hand that was shaking._

_Slowly he leaned down towards my face. Too frozen in fear to recoil I remained still._

_"You think they're listening" he whispered low in my ear. I could feel his lips and warm breath on my skin. I shivered, both scared and thrilled at the same time. I nodded my head slowly._

_He pulled the discs out of my hand and sat back on the lab chair and silence filled the room until Rolins arrived with Doctor Fogal._

My cellphone phone rang shaking me out of my reverie. It was still early, who calls at that time? Nothing showed up on caller ID.

"Hello?" I said, surprised at how scratchy my voice was. Nobody answered.

"Hello who is this?" I asked trying to keep any panic in my voice from escaping.

"Lucy" It was him. It was him. I gripped the phone tighter and swallowed.

"How did you get this number?"

"Do you still have your black case" he ignored my question.

"Yes" I replied quietly, I could kick myself for not dropping it into the Hudson by now.

"Good. The arm...it's frozen".

"Where are you?"

The intercom buzzed, making me jump.

"Outside your building" he replied and hung up.


	5. Chapter 5

I looked through the peephole and there he was; my insides twisted. He was standing outside my door, James Buchannan Barnes. Tentatively I slid the chain across and unlocked the door. He looked different. Unshaven and his hair was shorter. But his blue eyes were brighter, more vital and now they seemed focused. He was dressed casually; jeans, black hoodie, navy jacket and we was wearing leather gloves. And he he had a gun in his hand. Without a word he pushed by me and looked around my apartment expectantly. To my surprise there didn't seem to be any problem with his 'frozen' arm.

"There's nothing wrong with it" I pointed out, my voice was coarse.

"No" he agreed, whispering. "I needed a reason for you to let me in".

Suddenly there was a loud bumping sound coming from my bedroom. I opened my mouth in alarm and James put a finger to his lips telling me to be quiet. My blood ran cold. The bedroom door opened.

"Get down" he said forcing me to the floor with the cybernetic arm as he raised the gun with the other. My face met the carpet and I screamed as shots fired in my apartment, my hands automatically covering my head in a protective instinct. Splinters of wood and plaster from my door landed beside me after being hit and bizarrely all I could think about was how I was definitely losing my security deposit.

Three more shots and then there was a loud thud as something hit the floor. I was shaking uncontrollably. His hand curled around my arm above my elbow, he wasn't so much helping me to my feet but physically dragging me up.

"We have about three minutes until the authorities get here. We have to leave" he informed me. I knew he was speaking to me; I just couldn't process what he wanted. There was a body of a man on my lounge floor. He had a bullet wound right in the centre of his forehead, blood was pooling on to my beige carpet. I suddenly felt quite unwell. "Hey!" James grabbed my chin between his thumb and forefinger and made me look at him. "Lucy, listen to me. We need to go".

"I…I…" I didn't have anything else to say. He groaned angrily. I didn't move but my legs felt like jello. He grabbed hold of my hand and pulled me about across the lounge; I shut my eyes as we passed the lifeless body. James walked in to my bedroom and left me standing in the doorway as he opened my drawers &amp; closet &amp; rifled around pulling things out. The window was open, my curtains flapping about in the wind.

"Get dressed" he ordered me throwing articles of clothing on to my bed. "Now!"

Shouting at me was what tipped me over the edge and I heard myself wail in shrill alarm. I went from silent stupor to wild sobbing in a matter of seconds. I heard James curse he and brushed his hand over his head frustrated. He suddenly grabbed my shoulders and shook me.

"Stop it! You need to calm down!" He instructed. But I didn't. He looked torn for a beat and then he struck me hard across the face. It certainly shocked me in to silence. "I'm sorry" he said grimly and set back to work. He looked around the room and found my purse as I stood holding my cheek, it stung from the contact. He pulled a backpack from my closet. He emptied the contents of my purse into it, bundled what he had cast on to my bed in to the backpack and slung it over his shoulder.

He grabbed my red holey sweater and threw around my shoulders. Once again he gripped my arm with his hand and pushed towards the bedroom window. The man must have made his entrance using the fire escape and now we were using it as the exit. I stopped dead before the window. Something wasn't right. I looked down at my feet &amp; saw pink fuzzy bunnies.

"I've still got my slippers on" I sniffed. He cursed again and I kicked them off and pushed my feet into my converse I kept by the bed.

James climbed through the window and then lifted me with ease through it. He lead me so quickly down the fire escape stairs it felt like I was flying. Once clear of the building I could hear the sirens of the approaching police cars but James didn't even hesitate he continued pulling me along the street quickly as possible. We didn't stop until we were about twenty blocks away. I could barely breathe, my throat and chest burned from the exertion. I had to lean forward gripping my shins as I tried to get my breath back. He didn't even look perturbed by the pace. Once I had rested a little we were on the move again, still quickly but not with the same sense of urgency. We carried on walking until the sun came up.

"I'm tired" I croaked, the first real complaint I had made. My feet ached and I was thirsty. I stopped dead on the sidewalk. James looked annoyed but didn't say anything. He looked up and down the street before making a decision. He tugged on a car door and it unlocked through his strength alone. James bundled me inside, fiddled around with some wires and then sped off. I was too exhausted to protest. Within moments the motion of the car sent me to sleep.

When I woke, the car had stopped. He had pulled up on the side of a road. We weren't in the city anymore. In fact I had no idea where we were but we were surrounded by trees.

"No more gas" he informed me. "Here, this was in the glove box" He handed me a bottle of blessedly sealed water and I drank it with a thirst I can honestly say I'd never experienced before. Before I downed it all I remembered my manners and offered him the rest. He shook his head. "Finish it, I've had a bottle already" he said and showed me and identical empty bottle. "Sign back there said we're about two miles out of a town. Think you can make it if we walk?"

"I'm still in my jammies" I realised. "I'm having the weirdest day".

James reached behind to the back seat and passed me the backpack.

"Get dressed" he told me.

"In here?" I checked, I was blushing furiously.

"I'm not going to look" he clarified and got out of the car. He leaned on the door facing away. I moved on to the back seat, tugged off my jammies and put on my underwear as quickly as I could. The jeans took a little tugging on, I wasn't really in the right frame of mind to tell him before these were my snug jeans. At least the Breton top and navy sweater were comfy and warm.

Maybe I'd watched too many movies but I wiped down everything I thought I might have touched with the arm of my sweater and got out of the car. We walked in silence for what definitely felt like more than two miles. Once we hit the town my hunger kicked in and I told him I needed to eat. He might be able to run on fresh air and super assassin skills alone but I couldn't.

We stopped at a truck stop diner and I ate the best bacon and eggs I had had in ages. James had the same and I realised it was the first time I had ever seen him eat. I watched him with fascination as he methodically cut and ate his food. When we had finished James surveyed a motel opposite the diner and deemed it suitable to rest there and decide our next course of action. I paid for the room with the cash that was in my wallet and once inside I flopped down on the lumpy bed and slept some more. When I woke up again the clock said it was three pm. I used the bathroom, made use of the shower and thanked God above for complimentary toothbrush and toothpaste. I came back into the bedroom and James was sat on the floor with his back to the wall.

I sat beside him.

"I'm sorry this has happened to you" he told me soberly.

"That guy was HYDRA right?" I asked. He nodded. "And he was at my apartment because of you?" James shook his head. "He was there for…for me?" I gulped. "How did you know?"

"Fogal" he replied. My eyes widened in surprise.

"But he disappeared" I pointed out.

"Not well enough" He half smiled. "I wanted everything on this" he explained tapping the arm. "He gave it up so easy. He's not as confident on his own, without his restraints and armed guards". He smiled darkly, enjoying whatever he was recalling. "He wanted to bargain. He gave me the names and locations of the other HYDRA scientists that worked on me but he omitted you".

"I wasn't HYDRA…" I interrupted anxiously.

"I know" he put his hand on my wrist, it was reassuring. "I asked him about you_. _He said that it didn't matter about you, you were a loose end that was about to be tied off".

I shivered, if he hadn't have showed up tonight it would have been me lying lifeless on my lounge carpet. I shook that thought away.

"Did it save him?" I asked but I already knew the answer.

"No" he replied empty. James reached in to his pocket and pulled out a flash drive.

"You're were easy to find" he told me handing it to me.

"What's this?" I asked staring at it upon my palm.

"Blue prints, design specs, test results, software. Everything on this arm" he replied.

"Why are you giving it me?" I asked, it suddenly felt very hot and heavy in my hand.

"I told you. You're my technician" he half smiled.

"I don't do that anymore" I shook my head and tried to hand it back to him.

"You work for Stark. Aren't you helping make the next generation of Iron Man?" James raised his eyebrow.

"No", I scoffed. I couldn't help but laugh. "I work on the maintenance team. I change light bulbs, fix electronic doors and rewire sockets in the cafeteria. They thought it was best they keep me away from sensitive stuff".

"I thought you wanted to help save the world?" he reminded me softly.

"Well I tried that once and I did more damage than help", I replied sadly.

James closed his hand around mine.

"The damage was already done long before I met you" he told me. "I don't blame you Lucy".

"Thank you. You saved my life tonight James, you didn't have to come find me, you could have let them..." I couldn't finish that sentence.

His gloved metal hand reached for my face and instinctively I ducked away.

"It's okay" he assured me, I was surprised at the rawness of his voice. His hand brushed away a wet stray curl of my hair and tucked it behind my ear. "You had a hair thing" he whispered.

I felt myself blush as his palm cupped my cheek, I winced slightly at the contact it was still a little sore from where he struck me earlier. He grimaced guiltily. "I'm sorry", he said and bit his lower lip. Keeping his hand on my face he looked at me right in the eyes. I could barely breathe. "I'm not the safest person to be around" he said mournfully.

"It's alright" I croaked. He shook his head.

"I have to get you to people that can help keep you safe" James said regretfully.

"Steve!" I announced suddenly. He dropped his hand instantly, like I had burned him.


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N: Thanks for the reviews &amp; follows, I really appreciate it.**_

The second his name left her lips I felt like I had taken a bullet and whatever moment I had been in the middle of was gone. I got up and stood by the window looking out on to the car park.

"James?" She called softly, her tone apologetic. "I didn't mean to upset you". I heard her get up and sensed she was hovering behind me. I didn't turn around. "He can help you piece together your life before this". Lucy gently placed her hand on my cybernetic arm. I fought the urge to shake her hand away.

"I've been piecing things together well enough myself" I replied gruffly. It was mostly true. Some of my memories were returning. Fragments of my past that I could put together and form some sort of pattern like a movie. And I did remember him, I saw two young boys messing around, laughing, and getting into scrapes. I saw them as young men with hopes for the future. And I saw them in wartime, fighting together; friends, allies, not enemies. Bucky and Steve. But I couldn't accept that they were he and I. Because if I did, it hurt. I tried to kill to him, he was my mission. I felt myself tense up.

"James?" That soft tender voice again, pulling me from my thoughts. Lucy was standing beside me now and in the direct light from the window I could see the redness on her face where I had struck her. I hadn't meant to hit her so hard; I never meant to hurt her. She chewed her lip looking like she was deciding something. "He has a file on you, on how you became The Winter Soldier", Lucy announced. I clenched my fists. She could feel the tenseness in my arm and pulled away. Rogers had what I wanted to know.

After I left DC, I disappeared, trying to figure out my next move. I assimilated every bit of history I learned about James Buchanan Barnes from the Smithsonian and after that I spent hours, could have been days on the web discovering more. Some of it I recalled before I read about it so I knew it to be true. What Zola and HYDRA did to me then, I remembered. But the times in between him turning me in to _this_ and me waking up and finding I worked for Pierce and HYDRA today was a mystery. And the one person I didn't want to speak to was the one person who knew.

"I can't go to him" I told her. "I'll help you get back to DC if that's what you want but I can't. I can't".

"Why won't you let him help you?" Lucy asked in a small voice.

"I don't need help" I told her sharply, holding her gaze.

"Well you gave me this so I guess you need mine right?" she pointed out unhelpfully, holding the flash drive out in her palm.

"That's different" I replied.

"Yeah, how come?" Lucy pushed, her big brown eyes flashing with anger.

"Because you're different" I confessed tersely.

"That's…that's…it's not a reason…it's…" Lucy stammered; the anger leaving her face and the bloom of embarrassment crept up her neck to her cheeks.

"You're different" I reaffirmed, gently closing her hand around the flash drive again. She looked up at me and something inside me stirred; something I was still getting used to but happened whenever it came to Lucy. A warm ache inside. Emotions like that were dangerous, they were a weakness. They make you break the rules.

I'd broken rules for her. I'd broken my own when I found out she was in danger. When Fogal told me Lucy was going to be killed there was no way I wasn't going to find her first. That ache inside. _Affection._ I'd felt it before and I'd broken HYDRA's rules.

_After the fight on the bridge with Rogers I returned back to the vault, he'd jammed his damned shield into my arm and it needed maintenance. I was already unsettled. I knew him, I knew that man I fought. He knew me. He called me Bucky, I knew that name. But there was no Fogal in the room but an outraged Lucy. She was shouting at one of the STRIKE team who was gripping on to her wrist to let go. Without thinking I placed my hand on the guys shoulder._

"_Let her go" I told him darkly. He rounded on me and suddenly six guns were pointing in my direction. But he'd let go of her wrist._

"_Sit down!" One of them ordered. I did as I was told, weapons still cocked and trained on me. _

"_She can't fix me with a broken arm" I told them. _

"_Shut up" The one that grabbed her spoke. I stared at him. I could hear Lucy's breathing quicken pace. _

"_Alright" Lucy croaked. She was afraid but she stepped in front of me and held up her hands in submission. "Let's just calm down ok? You drag me here to work and The Asset's here now so, can I just get on with it?"_

"_We aint stopping you lady" someone replied._

"_I work better when I don't have guns pointing at me. Please", Lucy made a lowering gesture with her hands. "Please". Slowly they dropped their stance and stepped back. Lucy turned to face me and sighed, closing her eyes. She was relieved. _

_After the initial tension things slipped back to 'normal' quickly enough, I removed my top and vest and Lucy slipped on her lab coat. I sat still on the chair as if I was utterly removed from the situation and pretended not to notice that Lucy had been crying as she placed the tools on the metal table next to me. She slowly began to remove the damaged metal plates. Suddenly another member of the STRIKE team rushed in._

"_There's some trouble" he said. "Need backup. All of you". The senior guard hesitated looking between Lucy and I._

"_Go. Its fine, Doctor Fogal will be here shortly. Go!" She urged him. He nodded and they all left. I waited until I was sure we were absolutely alone._

"_Are you alright?" I asked._

"_I was dragged out of my apartment and bundled into a car", she replied in disbelief. _

"_Where's Doctor Fogal?" _

"_He's stuck in traffic trying to get into DC. Apparently there was some fight on the highway" Lucy said. _

"_The mission" I explained. _

"_The mission?" She shook her head. _

"_The fight on the bridge it was my mission"._

"_Oh" she said simply._

"_The man I fought on the bridge. I knew him" I confessed. _

"_What?" Lucy asked alarmed._

"_I knew him and he knew me"._

"_Who was he? Does he work on the programme?" she asked me. _

"_No, I knew him from somewhere before. He was tall. Light hair, very well trained, very strong. He had a…a shield with a star on"._

"_Wait? What?" She curled a small hand around my wrist. "Are you…are you telling me your mission was…" Lucy laughed nervously. "Your mission was Captain America?"_

"_He called me Bucky" I told her confused. _

_Lucy held her breath and looked at my face as if seeing me for the first time. _

"_Oh my God!" She exhaled. "Oh my God"._

"_What is it?" I asked her desperately._

"_What was your mission?" She ignored my question and replied with her own._

"_To eliminate three hostiles that were a threat to Pierce, to HYDRA" I clarified._

"_HYDRA!?" She exclaimed, her face awash with confusion. "What are you talking about? Pierce isn't HYDRA he's SHIELD. This is not…shit….shit!" Lucy paused, looked down and swallowed hard _

"_Lucy?" I called her by her name and liked the way it sounded on my lips. "Lucy, what is it?"_

_She looked up at me slowly and gave a half-hearted attempt at smiling but it couldn't be genuine because her brown eyes were absolutely terrified. Her face was awash with fear. _

"_Nothing" she whispered. She glanced back at the door. "I have to go now" She told me and made to move away but I caught her arm and pulled her back._

"_There's something wrong isn't there. You didn't know this was HYDRA?" I whispered._

"_I have to go. Please let me go", Lucy begged, her eyes swimming with fresh forming tears. "Please let me go, I won't say anything"._

_Lucy didn't know she was working for HYDRA, the name frightened her, was she my enemy? Logic told me I should detain her, report her. _

"_Do I know him? The mission?" I asked her, still holding on to her forearm._

"_Yes" she replied quietly. "Don't tell them; don't tell them you remember him". Lucy placed her soft hand on my cheek and I felt it burning inside. "Oh what have we done to you? Be the master of your own fate", she whispered and I released my hold and she walked out of the vault and didn't look back. _

I know now it was affection that I had felt. And that's why I let her go. It's why I lied to Rawlins that she went outside to wait for Doctor Fogal because I'd frightened her. It's why I never told Pierce or anyone about her. It's why when I was in the Triskelion I wiped her file from the records so no one would look for her or ask her questions. It was affection that I felt for Lucy, the only one in a long time to see me as person, to show me consideration and a kindness that was alien to me. It was affection that wanted me to keep her safe.

"Call him" I told her and saw a spark of victory in her eyes. "Not for me, for you. Get him to meet you here. I'll be long gone before he gets arrives".

"No" she replied defiantly. "Not for me. He'll come for you". Lucy left me by the window and sat down on the edge of the bed and sighed.

"I can't…"

"Shut up" She interrupted me. "Just shut up. I can barely sleep at night. HYDRA is trying to kill me. The police are looking for me, my parents are no doubt freaking out, the former deputy director of SHIELD, _my boss_, is probably on the phone right now to some super-secret agent people wondering if what I told her was lies and I am in fact HYDRA so I'm now on their list. I had to run around New York City in my pyjamas. In _my pyjamas_ _James_. I don't even run for the bus! There is a dead man in my apartment, blood all over my carpet, a carpet that _I haven't finished paying for_. And these jeans are too tight. And I think I may be having some sort of breakdown right now because I realise I am rambling and this is not the sort of thing you say to a super assassin in this situation, who has held both a knife and a gun to you but what I'm trying to say most inarticulately is… Don't you want your life back James? Aren't you tired of hiding in the shadows because frankly it's been less than 24 hours and I'm tired of hiding already."

I stared at her, stunned by her outburst. But the tension in the room had eased, her rambling amused me. I joined her sitting on the edge of the bed. She was shaking and shuffled away.

"Did I say that? Oh my God, did that happen? I'm sorry. I'm sorry" She leaned forward and held her head in her hands.

Tentatively I placed my real hand on her shoulder and squeezed lightly.

"I want my life back but I don't know what life it is" I said quietly.

"Then find out. Live it. Be the master of your own fate, be the captain of your own soul" Lucy said peeking out from hiding behind her hands.

"You've said those words before" I pointed out.

"Well they're true. Not my words of course but still true. I will do anything to help you; it's the least I can do given everything I've done to you". She sat up and shrugged. "Speak with him; ask him your questions, if it doesn't feel right you can leave again. At least you tried".

If I agreed to this, I could get her back safely to DC, she'd be protected there. If I met him, he'd stop looking. I could ask to see the file she talked about, fill in those blanks. I didn't mean anything. It was just answers. I leaned over to the other side of the bed and pulled her backpack up on to it, emptying the contents onto the bed linen. I picked up her cell phone and passed it to Lucy.

"Alright, make the call".

"I don't actually have his number but I know his friend" She admitted sheepishly.

"All that talk and you don't know his number? Who is his friend?" I queried.

"Sam Wilson. Guy with a wing pack. That flies".

I remembered him; I remember trying to take him out.

"Do you know anyone that I haven't tried to kill?"

"Is that a serious question?" She asked; a smile playing on her lips.

"Just call him before I change my mind".

Lucy turned the phone on and called the number.

"Hey…no I'm fine…no seriously…I'M FINE!...Look can you and Rogers pick me up?…I'm with someone…yeah its him".


	7. Chapter 7

We had decided on a place to meet, a town halfway between where the motel was and DC. James made me dump my cell phone, I could tell he was annoyed that I insisted writing down all of my phone numbers on a sheet of motel paper before he destroyed and dumped it on the roadside. It slowed us down, he said; we had to make the meet on time or the plan was off the table and we moved on. He was concerned that someone might be listening in on the call or could track our location. I hadn't even considered that, I guess that's why I never applied for field work. He didn't speak to me on the bus journeys to the town; it was like we were complete strangers. Once we arrived at the rendezvous point he stood out of view and left me alone, sitting on the kerbside of the supermarket parking lot. It was busy, people milling about, even though I couldn't see him I felt him watching me. I picked up a discarded lolly stick and began digging at the mud and grass in between the cracks of the kerb stones to give me something to occupy me as I waited. Eventually two sets of feet paused in front of me; I dropped the stick and looked up. There they were, Sam and Steve. I was relieved to see them both. Sam held out his hand for mine and hauled me up, pulling me in to a massive hug.

"Hey Lucy" he greeted me. "Glad you're ok".

"Hey Sam" I replied hugging him hard, it felt good to see a familiar friendly face.

"Are you alright?" Steve asked me as I let go of Sam.

"Yes" I answered and he held out his hand for me to shake. "You're alone?" He looked around the parking lot.

I shook my head and I nodded to where James had approached us, unnoticed by the two of them. James stood to the right of them, his stance defensive but not hostile. They both turned to him and the four of us stood around in a little group. The display of testosterone was ridiculous. Steve and James just stared at each other silently; the tension was unbearable.

"This is uncomfortable" I finally said, rolling my eyes. "Sam, I'd like you to properly meet James Buchanan Barnes. James, this is Sam Wilson, my friend from the VA hospital", I introduced them. They didn't speak they just nodded, weighing each other up.

"Hello Bucky" Steve greeted him suddenly, he held out his hand for James to shake but he didn't take it.

"I intercepted a HYDRA agent in the early hours of this morning. He was going to kill her. I believe she is still in danger, there will be others" James said to Sam completely ignoring Steve. I could see Steve's hurt expression and it made my heart sink.

"Well let's go" Sam announced and walked ahead leaving us to follow. James took me by the elbow and pulled me along, casting Steve a wary look as we left. I glanced back and saw Steve hesitate, hands on his hips looking down at the ground as we walked off.

The car ride back to DC was painful. Steve rode shotgun in the black SUV and Sam drove us home. James and I sat at the back. He was utterly silent, if it wasn't for his brooding presence next to me I wouldn't have known he was there. After I filled Steve in on everything that had happened in New York he fell silent too. Sam and I tried our best at some conversation but nothing could lift the tension in the car.

Once in DC we pulled up in front of a hotel not far from what remained of the Triskelion. A man in black suit was waiting for us and ran up towards the car. James was immediately on his guard.

"He's one of ours", Steve announced.

"Yours? Did you bring SHIELD on this?" James was angry. Without thinking about what I was doing I placed my hand on his. I saw that Sam noticed the easy contact in the rear view mirror.

"It's for her protection" he explained turning in his seat to face us as the man made to open my car door. Suddenly James moved across me and held on to the door handle preventing the agent from opening it.

"What are you doing?" I shrieked.

"I agreed to meet you, just you", James reminded Steve sharply.

"It is just me Bucky. This guy, he's just here for Lucy. He and Sam are going to check her in to this hotel, make sure she's safe and then it's just you and me. And we can talk" Steve told him carefully.

James considered this for a moment but still held on to the car door.

"Do you have a weapon?" James addressed Sam. He nodded in reply and after a beat James let go and the door opened.

"Good evening Miss King. I'm agent Merriweather. If you'll come this way please" The black suited man held out his hand for me to take. I hesitated. I realised that after James had his talk with Steve he was free to up and leave and I didn't know when I'd see him again or if at all. The thought of that made me feel suddenly sick and my heart felt as if it was being squeezed.

"Wait James" I whispered urgently. "After…will I see you again?"

"Goodbye Lucy", was all he said in reply.

And then suddenly I was out of the car and being ushered up the steps to the hotel doors. I heard the SUV speed off and I turned round but all I could see were tail lights.

I floated through the rest of the evening as if everything was happening to someone else. In the hotel room there was another agent, a woman with red hair, she didn't tell me her name but I knew her. She asked me a hundred questions about my time working for Pierce and then a hundred more about what happened in New York. I didn't feel like I was in protection, it felt more like interrogation. When I became upset, Sam stepped in and said I'd had enough. She softened then and said that she'd 'take care' of what transpired in New York and that I could call my parents and tell them I was safe. They were relieved to hear from me, I couldn't answer any of their questions and the redhead agent had to take over from me and fed them a bunch of lies I had to ask her write down so I could repeat them later on. I didn't tell anyone about the flash drive. Eventually she left and then agent Merriweather stood outside the room. I told Sam I was going to take a bath and I stayed in it until the skin on my fingers and toes were shrivelled. When I emerged in fresh pyjamas provided courtesy of the remnants of SHIELD, Sam was lying on one of the twin beds eating fries and flicking through the television channels. I stole the plate of fries from him and sat on other bed.

"Look at you, hanging around with spies and bad ass assassins. Making enemies like HYDRA" Sam smiled. "And here's me thinking that you were just some quiet electronics geek from the 8th floor".

"Jerk" I felt myself smile and I threw a French Fry at him. "I am just an electronics geek".

"Seriously. Are you ok?" He asked sitting up.

"Seriously? I don't know. Someone tried to kill me, that's…I don't even have the words for what that is" I sighed and lay back on the bed.

"You and the Winter Soldier? What's with that?" Sam's tone was full of disapproval.

"I don't have the words for that either".

"You seem pretty comfortable with him".

"Hmm" I replied not committing to anything.

"He's dangerous".

"He saved my life Sam" I reminded.

"That's what worries me".

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked annoyed.

"Lucy, just don't go hero worshiping this guy. He's not a guy you want to get warm and fuzzy over".

I didn't say anything because I knew it was already too late for me to stop that from happening.


	8. Chapter 8

Lucy was fitful, tossing and turning her bed; the sheets wound up in knots around her lower legs. She was distressed, clearly having a nightmare. Considering recent events that was understandable. I didn't know whether to wake her or to wait until she woke herself. Hell, I didn't even know what I was doing here at all. I'm glad I checked in though, her friend Sam had left leaving her with an incompetent SHIELD agent. If I was still The Asset she'd be dead already. I didn't like the thought of her lying still and cold in bed which came unbidden. Especially at my hands. I shivered.

Lucy started gasping and reaching for her throat. Was she struggling to breathe? Alarmed I moved towards her from where I was perched on the edge of the opposite bed. Suddenly she was awake, she flung herself forwards off the mattress clutching her neck. When her wild eyes saw me standing above her she made to scream. Instinctively I covered her mouth with my hand, stifling any noise. The agent 'protecting' her was out cold but I still didn't want anyone else rushing in here.

"Shh, shh. It's me" I whispered in her ear.

She nodded that she understood and I released her. In place of screaming came a rush of muffled sobs and tears.

"Don't. Do. That" She said in between whimpers.

"You were having a nightmare" I explained.

"I know. Where's agent Merriweather?" She sniffled, looking towards the bedroom door worried.

"He's taking a nap" I replied simply and smiled.

Lucky cocked her head to the side and made a face of disapproval. She was still rubbing at her neck.

"He's not very good at his job. What was it about, the nightmare?" I asked her as I sat back down on the other bed.

"Just stuff. I have them a lot, usually at night, not so much if I nap in the day", she replied quietly after a moments hesitation. I felt a rush of empathy. Another emotion that was stolen from me now returning.

"I have them too. It's...harder now I don't sleep when I'm made to. And I dream. I see faces, some I recognise, some I don't. And the things I'm doing in the dreams I don't know if they happened or if its just my imagination".

Lucy wiped her eyes and sat cross legged on the bed, her face full of pity.

"How did the talk go?" she asked suddenly. "You got the answers you wanted?"

"I got answers but they aren't the ones anyone would really want".

"And you and Steve?" She pushed gently.

"Difficult" I answered. Lucy sighed disappointed.

"So you're going? You're not going to stay?"

"He asked me that too", I told her. I thought back to earlier that evening.

"_So Bucky, are you going to stay around?"_

_I stood silently looking across the still waters of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. I had a decision to make and now that I was here, it wasn't as cut and dry as I thought it would be. Steve was sitting down on the ground, his knees pulled up to his chest, arms balancing on them. He was relaxed and easy. _

_He was my friend. That much was clear. I almost succeeded in ending his life yet here he was offering me help, asking me to hang around._

"_I tried to kill you" I said coolly._

"_You gave it your best shot Buck. And besides before I realised it I could have killed you too", he replied standing up. "We can move on from this. I just want to help you; I want to help my oldest, truest friend"._

"_Shut up! I can't just move on from this! I've done things. Bad things. You've read that file. I'm not Bucky. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm something else", I snarled. I went through the well-thumbed file he passed me in the car. My journey from HYDRA experiment into The Winter Soldier all documented in the Russian that I understood perfectly. The training, the brainwashing and the mental and physical torture I had endured to the missions I had been operational on, the kills I had made. I was a monster. _

"_That wasn't you. That was done to you". There he was again, excusing me from blame._

"_Shut up!" I didn't want to hear it. I didn't need to hear it._

"_Bucky, I thought you were dead. I've mourned you. And I've mourned the passing of too many friends. But you're here. You need me. I can't give up on you"._

_"And what do you think we're going to be doing? Playing baseball in the street? Still going to spar at the boxing gym? Taking pretty dames to dances? Fight a war together?" I replied bitterly._

_"Why not? It's 2015 and I still haven't stopped fighting HYDRA. Isn't that what you're still doing now? SHIELD might be down but we're not all down for the count. We've reorganized. Some of us are still out there taking them on. You could join us?" He offered._

_"Turn on my old master to be an attack dog for SHIELD?" I scoffed. "I don't take orders anymore. I don't obey anyone. I want to be my own man"._

_"Then I know a good boxing gym we could go to" Steve joked. And for a beat it felt comfortable. It used to be this easy. _

"So what are you going to do?" She asked me, waking me from my thoughts but I didn't answer because the bedroom door opened and a woman stood in the doorway pointing a gun at me. Petite, redhead, beautiful. And formidable. We'd met before, I remember her.

"I'd prefer it if you didn't make me shoot you, I don't think there's enough in the budget for the soilage charge" She addressed me. "Lucy, slowly move towards the door".

"But he's not…"

"It's alright Lucy. She's just doing her job, go stand by the door" I reassured her and watched as she backed towards the redhead, her concerned eyes not leaving my face. "You know if I was going to kill her I'd have done it in New York, why would I take all the trouble to bring her here?"

"You attacked one of the agents I tasked with protecting your little friend, what am I supposed to think" She accused.

"I was demonstrating a flaw in your team".

"I'm not so deficient" She threatened.

"Agent Romanoff, thank you but there is no need for this" Lucy interjected.

"I don't trust you" She told me plainly, ignoring Lucy.

"Spies don't trust anyone" I pointed out.

"But she trusts me" Steve entered the room. "Natasha? Put the gun down".

"You ladies work things out?" She said after a moments consideration and lowered the weapon but her eyes didn't leave mine.

"We're trying" He explained and I saw him give a reassuring squeeze on Lucy's shoulder as he stepped in between the red head and I. "I figured this is where you'd be. So have you made your mind up?"

"I'm staying".

Steve held out his hand again and this time I shook it. And I had the strangest feeling I was coming home.


	9. Chapter 9

Being shouted at by at ninety-eight year old, ageless, former assassin and general badass is never not going to be intimidating. Even if said person is sort of your friend now and they're shouting at you because they think you might have done something stupid. When someone is that tall and that dangerous and they're standing over you, it's perfectly natural to feel the hairs stand up at the back of your neck.

"It's been twelve weeks, nothing's happened", I said in a quiet voice.

"HYDRA's got a long a memory" James hissed.

"Its not like I am living free and easy. I have to call the protection team every day at a specified time so they know I'm not dead, I spend all day in a SHIELD lab and if I'm not in the lab, I'm at the VA hospital and if I'm not at either of those places I'm with Sam. Or with you".

For the next the twelve weeks or so Agent Merriweather accompanied me everywhere, which was both stifling and reassuring all at the same time. I finally asked for the close protection to be lifted or at the very least be reduced after I was standing in line at the grocery store and he crept up behind me and slipped a box of my favourite brand of tampons and Advil in my basket with an apologetic smile and a knowing nod. When your bodyguard knows your cycle, you've been in protection too long. Besides HYDRA must have bigger fish to fry because no one had tried to follow up on that failed hit in New York. The close protection was lifted and although I accepted I was potentially more at risk I also felt like I could breathe. James was not happy about it. But he was just going to have to accept it.

"They wont have forgotten you", he pointed out. James closed his eyes and leaned back against the table, exasperated. I took the time to appraise him unnoticed. He was dressed in blue jeans and a long sleeved gray sweater, despite the season he still wore thin leather gloves. He'd not shaven today by the looks of it, his dimpled chin and face covered in fine dark stubble. He'd let his hair grow longer again, today tied back tightly at the back of his head. Dark circles under his eyes told me his sleep was still troubling him, despite the good work Steve was doing. He pinched the bridge of his nose and then opened his eyes. Bright blue and beautiful.

"Are you going to yell at me all afternoon or are we going to get this work done?" I asked him.

"Alright" he agreed pulling off his gloves and tugged off his sweater. I looked down, pretending to find something on my tablet very interesting so he wouldn't see how interesting I found the way his muscles moved as he undressed. He un tucked his navy vest and was about to pull that off too. "It's okay you can leave that on" I stopped him. I didn't need to see him shirtless, didn't need that distraction. He sat down on the chair and presented his cybernetic arm on the side table ready for my inspection. I sat down next to him and I caught him smiling.

"What?" I asked.

"Just like old times", he remarked and I smiled back in spite of myself. There weren't really any fond memories from that time that we could smile about. And I began the work. I'd found a new role in the new SHIELD; nice sedate lab based work in the development and testing of electronic communications. I didn't think they'd take me back but after some serious testing and vetting I was in. There were lots of new openings after a bunch of our scientists turned coat and now worked for HYDRA. Electronic communications was my official line of work for them but I had an unofficial role, one which if I was honest probably was more responsible for my successful reapplication to SHIELD than any test I took. I was James' technician. He wasn't officially a SHIELD agent, more of an ally. Steve offered him a chance to take on HYDRA as part of a team. Just like they did seventy odd years ago. He didn't have to do it on his own anymore. SHIELD wanted him in and I guess as I held the specs for his arm I'd have to be found a job too.

"You never used to hum as you worked. You're happy here?" James asked me, interrupting my thoughts. I didn't realise I was humming.

"It's a lot nicer here. For one I know no ones hovering around with a semi-automatic and two, I know you're definitely here by choice and no one is going to hurt you when I leave the room" I said as I finished up.

"You had no part in that" James replied gently.

"But I knew what they were doing to you". I could still hear him scream even now, here in my nice new bright shiny lab.

"You couldn't have stopped it Lucy and trying would have probably just gotten you killed. They'll get theirs. I'll make sure of it". He stood up and flexed his arm. "Feels good. What did you do in there?"

"Some fancy new circuitry, it'll quicken reflexes and enhances touch sensitivity further" I replied. He suddenly put his hand on my cheek and I blushed.

"Yeah. I feel it" He told me, his eyes not leaving mine. "Thank you".

"You know I'm not a doctor. In fact I've been thinking, you would really benefit from letting someone else, more qualified than me look at you in future". James dropped his hand and I sighed at the loss of contact.

"No. No one else looks", James shot the idea down. "Steve has got doctors looking at my body and my mind already as it is".

"You know who you would really benefit from seeing? Tony Stark" I pointed out, watching disappointed as he pulled back on his sweater.

"No one else", he repeated.

"You should at least consider it. I'm only working from Doctor Fogal's ideas and our results. And its taking me a long time. I'm not a genius. Imagine what someone super smart who wasn't an evil scientist could do for you", I told him.

"You're doing great. Are you going to tap that little screen thing to declare me fit for operations?" He asked me hovering by the door.I tapped a few commands on the tablet. "You're not going to tell me if you've passed me?"

"All results are confidential. Directors orders" I replied smugly holding the tablet close to my chest.

"You know you've sure changed from that girl I tied to her kitchen chair", he remarked coolly.

"So have you. This was how I was pre Pierce" I replied standing my ground.

"It's lucky I like her too", James smiled and disappeared out of the room.

"James..." I called back suddenly anxious.

"Yeah?" He replied returning to the room.

"If I did pass you. And the others passed you, you'd be cleared to go off and do something dangerous. Would I get any warning for when that might be?"

"That's confidential", he replied smugly leaving the room again.


	10. Chapter 10

Steve was humming a tune in his bedroom as he was getting dressed. He was going to a fundraising dinner and dance for a disabled veteran's charity that Lucy and Wilson had helped arranged. Captain America was the guest of honor. Always the hero, he'd agreed to go. People had paid a lot of money for tickets to see him there. Some had paid even more to sit on the same dinner table.

I lay on the couch reading the Winter Soldier file again seeing if I could trigger any more memories. I don't know what else I could uncover. I knew it wouldn't be anything good. I never did anything good. But I had this compulsion to know everything I had done for HYDRA. If I was going to make amends for the things I had done I had to know everything I was atoning for.

The intercom buzzed and Steve called from his bedroom.

"That's Sam and Lucy. Could you let them in?"

I moved off the sofa and did as I was asked. I'd been living with Steve since Lucy returned to DC, it wasn't always easy, especially at the start but I was able to trust him more and more every day. There was a knock at the door and I answered.

"Hey we're here for our special guest. Is he ready?" Lucy stood at the apartment door and I was stupefied. She looked…_stunning_. I stood there unmoving. Silent.

"Are you going to let us in man?" Wilson asked me, standing behind Lucy.

"Ok", was all I managed to say and stood aside to let them inside. My eyes were unable to leave Lucy as she stepped inside. The black dress she was wearing was simple, straight, with small sleeves and it hugged her in all the right places. Her small waist accentuated by a white ribbon belt. The tight fabric ended just above her knees and revealed lightly tanned shapely legs that I couldn't recall ever seeing before. She was taller too, propped up by leopard print high heels that made her hips sway provocatively as she walked. Wilson followed her through the doorway and threw me a knowing glance. I swallowed trying to regain some control.

"Oh wow, you look beautiful!" Steve said as he walked in the room, fiddling with a bow tie.

"Gee thank you", Wilson joked. And Lucy rolled her eyes.

But she did look beautiful. And I was wowed. Her chestnut hair fell on her shoulders in perfectly formed waves, like a Hollywood movie star from my era. She smiled at Steve, her full lips painted red.

"Here let me help you with that", Lucy said reaching up to do his bow tie. Steve smiled down at her as she finished up. And I felt a twinge of something. Was it jealousy? "There. All done. You look very handsome".

"Yes, Steve looks handsome. Lucy looks beautiful and I as always look amazing. Can we go? We're going to be late", Wilson started to complain.

"Alright, we're going" Lucy told him. "Are you sure you don't want to come?" She asked, turning to face me, her big brown eyes tempting me.

"Fundraisers aren't really my thing", I replied in a small voice. I looked down at myself. Gray sweat pants, white t-shirt. Unshaven. Metal arm. "And I don't own a tux".

"You don't have to wear a tux. A shirt and tie is enough", Lucy replied.

"No thank you", I declined. I didn't have the heart to tell her that fundraisers weren't really a former assassin's scene.

"Alright then, we'll bring him back in one piece" Lucy smiled and brushed at the collar of Steve's jacket. I bristled at the way her hand lingered over his chest.

"See you later Bucky", Steve said as he linked arms with Lucy and escorted her out.

It was definitely jealousy that I felt.

"Wait…" I said and they all stopped and turned round. "I'll come". I didn't even know what I was saying. I just knew I didn't like seeing her leave. Wilson looked at his watch.

"Cars waiting. You better hurry", he told me.

"It's alright. You and Steve go on ahead. I'll wait for James. We can call a cab", Lucy offered.

"Ok, we'll see you soon", Steve smiled at me and then at Lucy.

"Don't be too late King!" Wilson reminded her and shut the door.

Lucy and I were alone in the apartment. She looked at me expectantly. I changed my mind. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay here with her. I liked being alone with her.

"So…" Lucy began.

"So…?" I said.

"Are you going to get ready?" She queried.

"Yes" I replied. "Make yourself at home", I gestured to the couch and then I walked in to the bathroom. I wondered when I had gone from dangerous to an idiot.

I showered and shaved and put on a shirt and smart pants. And looked at myself in the mirror. I'd cut my hair again and I combed it to the side. For a moment I saw the young man I used to be. A good man. I struck that. I was learning to be a good man _now_. Natasha Romanoff had tried to get me to stop splitting myself into two people; Bucky Barnes before HYDRA or The Winter Soldier. She told me to start focusing on who I was now. It's who I was now that mattered. Natasha and I had a rocky start to our relationship but we both recognised something in each other. We'd both done things in our past. Bad things. I pulled on my gloves as if I needed reminding.

When I walked back in to the lounge, Lucy was sat at the breakfast bar, her chin resting in her palm, reading. As I got nearer I saw she was looking at my file. I folded over the tattered cardboard file and pulled it away from her. She looked up guiltily.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry", Lucy apologised.

"It doesn't matter", I told her.

"I don't know Russian", she confessed sheepishly so I would know she hadn't understood anything in the file. Lucy knew that I was a killer but that didn't mean I wanted her know any of the details. I had a hard enough time telling Steve about it. Only Natasha understood.

"The taxi is on its way", she announced. "You look smart".

"But not handsome?" I didn't mean to say that. Lucy flushed pink.

"Yes. Yes you look handsome". She confessed seriously.

By the time we had gotten to the hotel they were using for the venue the dinner had started. Lucy left me waiting by the entrance as she spoke to some of the other organising staff. After a few moments of smiling and laughing she waved me over and we made our way to the table. I was already regretting coming. I felt people were staring and I was uncomfortable. I began assessing everyone as if they were threats or targets. This came instinctively to me and was very hard to control. She must have sensed my obvious discomfort and tension and to my surprise she reached for my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. I felt the calm spread through me and when we reached the large round table I didn't want to let it go.

"We're not on the Captains table?" I queried looking at our fellow diners on this quiet table tucked away in the corner and not seeing Steve or Sam there.

"Nope, thought you might me more comfortable here".

"Thank you" I told her. She smiled and I remembered my manners just in time. I pulled out her chair and waited for her sit down before I took my own seat. I had to control the urge to grab Lucy's hand all through the meal.

Steve gave a speech after the dinner, he thanked everyone for coming and spoke about how important the money raised from the dinner's ticket sales were to the charity. I could tell he was as uncomfortable in the spotlight as I was but he kept the smile on his face and did his job.

The band started playing and the diners dispersed on the floor of the ballroom. Lucy apologised saying she had to go and speak to some of the other organisers and thank people for attending. I let her go and watched her as she made her way across the room. I could tell she was content with her work at the VA hospital. That was the place where she could do good. Not at SHIELD, not making this metal weapon any stronger, so I could kill better. Lucy had a good heart, I'd always seen that. Whatever she had felt about herself.

I sat on my own for a while, nursing my water, watching Steve chat politely with the guests and reluctantly took to the dancefloor with different women. A couple of attractive women asked me to dance but I turned them down. More curtly than I should have perhaps. After a while I realised I couldn't see Lucy anymore. I scanned the ballroom but she was definitely gone. I stood up and went directly to the French doors that led out to the hotels patio and gardens. I passed Steve as he took a turn with a lady in her seventies and he glanced at me concerned. I knew he was asking if everything was ok. I nodded and he returned it.

The patio was scattered with people, I looked around but she wasn't there. I saw some steps that took you to the hotel's lawns and fountain and followed them down. The lawns were less populated and there walking barefoot alone on the grass I spotted her.

"My feet hurt", she explained when she saw me, coming to halt.

"Must be all the dancing", I said.

"I haven't danced", she replied.

"No one's asked you?" I inquired not really wanting to know the answer.

"I've been asked. I just haven't accepted", she said. I couldn't help myself smile. But then I thought about the smiles and the easy touching between her and Steve. It was an irrational thought, baseless really.

"What about Steve? Has he asked you?"

"Yes but I said no. Besides he's busy, he's got a lot of names on his dance card already", she smiled. "He's a good man".

"Oh he is a good man", it came out more petulant that I intended it too. "You like him?"

"Of course I like him. Just not…romantically", she scrunched up her nose at the very thought of it.

"He's handsome. Athletic. A hero. What more could you want?" I pushed.

"Electricity", she blushed. And I could feel the sparks between us. I bit my lip. "I can't dance", Lucy confessed suddenly.

Without thinking about it I held out my hand, Lucy hesitated and then took it.

"I think I remember how" I whispered as I slipped my cybernetic arm around her waist and pulled her closer gently but firmly. She laughed nervously and then relaxed as I slowly led her in a slow dance on the grass with the band playing in the distance. She settled her cheek on my chest and I nestled the top of her head under my chin as we swayed in the moonlight. When the tune ended we stopped still. Lucy looked up at me; her brown eyes were soft and trusting. Lucy licked her lips and I swallowed hard. She moved her hand slowly from around my back and across my chest, her other hand gently removing itself from my own to slide up my arm to my face. She gripped hold of my collar and stood on her tiptoes, pulling my face down to meet hers. Lucy kissed my cheek lightly and then pulled away to look at me shyly. I couldn't move and she kissed me again on the other cheek. I closed my eyes when she kissed my lips, both her small hands cupping my face.

I wanted to kiss her back. I wanted to. But this wasn't just a physical response. I felt a rush of emotions. I felt the affection I had held for her for so long. I felt desire for her, something I had kept in check for some time. I experienced the need to feel her body against mine, that all-consuming want. And I felt fear of losing all control and giving into these emotions. And as she kissed me so tenderly, touched me so gently I felt disgusted because I knew I had no right to return them. I wasn't a gentle man, I wasn't capable of tenderness. I was cold and I had killed without mercy. I couldn't let her touch me. I didn't deserve something _so good_. I pulled back, carefully tugged her hands off my face and pushed her away.

"We can't", I said apologetically.

"Why not?" I heard her say in a quiet voice. She was upset and embarrassed. I had hurt her.

"I'm sorry".

Lucy didn't say anything else; her hand covered her mouth as she broke into a sob. She picked up her shoes off the grass and ran up the stone steps away from me.


	11. Chapter 11

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

The little reminder alarm on my tablet had gone off for the sixth time that day and I knew I couldn't reasonably ignore it for any longer. I shut off the alarm and gathered my things together, making excuses to the other electronic communications techs that I had a doctor's appointment to attend. In reality I was swapping one lab for another. I just needed the subject.

Reluctantly I called his cell. James and I hadn't spoken for a little over two weeks since the fundraising dinner and dance, where I had made a spectacular fool of myself. But this was work and I was determined to be adult and professional. There was no answer. I tried Steve's, no reply. I sighed and glanced at my watch. At this time they'd be training.

Sure enough by the time I had arrived at their preferred boxing gym they were sparring in the ring. Natasha Romanoff was there leaning on the ropes watching intently, studying their moves. I couldn't blame her; they were both pretty sweaty by this point. James saw me come in and stopped in his tracks; Steve took full advantage of this and managed to get an unguarded right hook square on James' jaw. I cringed.

"Nice", Natasha said throwing Steve a towel. James leant back on the ropes and rubbed at his jaw. He kept his eyes on me and I stepped forward uncomfortably. There was definitely tension in the room.

"Anything we can help you with?" Natasha asked.

"We have an assessment scheduled", I replied looking between her and James. He acknowledged my announcement with a nod of the head and threw a towel over his shoulder.

"I'll get changed", James said as he stepped out of the ring. He held out a hand to Steve and helped him down too, he'd obviously forgiven him for the punch. When he left the room, I sighed again, some of that tension had dissolved. I sat down on a bench as I waited, sitting on my hands and stretching out my legs. Natasha sat herself down next to me.

"How's the world of electronic communications testing?" She asked me, a smile playing on her lips. I hoped this wouldn't be weird; Natasha and I were so different. The only thing we had in common were Steve and Bucky.

"Nice and boring", I replied. "Hey, how's international espionage now everyone knows who you are?"

"Challenging", she conceded, amused. "Actually I need your professional comms opinion. What would be the best piece of tech to get two people that had this cute friendship thing talking again?"

I took a deep breath and shook my head.

"I don't think we've developed anything like that Agent Romanoff", I replied keeping my face as unreadable as possible.

"That's a shame. It's not that he didn't like it".

"Excuse me?" I rounded on her. I was no longer finding this conversation amusing.

"He said you kissed him", Natasha said, clearly she was fine with the discussion. I could feel my cheeks go bright red.

"You know about that?" I said embarrassed. "Wow, as if I wasn't humiliated enough he wants everyone to know".

"No. That's not what he wanted; he was conflicted and needed someone to talk to. Someone that might understand", she replied.

"Well there's nothing to understand. I made a fool of myself and now we're not talking to each other and I don't want to discuss it".

"Suit yourself", she said simply and got up left.

Two minutes later James left the locker room and stopped in front of me. I looked up. He'd showered and his hair was wet. He looked as uncomfortable as I felt.

"Are you ready?" He asked. I nodded and got up. He stepped forward to take my bag but I ignored the offer and gripped it tighter.

I drove us back to the SHIELD lab and the journey was a silent affair. Neither of us spoke and he turned off the radio enhancing the awkwardness. It seemed to take forever. By the time we arrived I had almost bitten through my bottom lip and he'd clenched his jaw so tight I doubted any cusps on his molars remained.

James quietly and without instruction removed his jacket and t shirt and sat down on the chair. I busied myself, my back to him, setting up the test software, setting out the equipment and I flicked on the solder iron in case any repairs were required. When I turned around he was standing right behind me. He made me jump backwards, my hands flew behind me to brace against the work top and I caught my fingers on the blistering hot point of the solder iron.

"Ow shit!" I called, holding the burnt hand to my chest. "Ow! Ow! Shit!"

James quickly reached over and turned on the cold tap of the hand wash sink. He stood close behind me and I felt the warm presence of his hard body as he held my hand out under the faucet.

"Does it feel better?" He asked huskily. I couldn't speak, I was so aware of him. I nodded, it was stinging a little but it felt better. James turned off the tap but didn't make any attempt to move. He dropped my hand but placed his own either side of the counter top so I was trapped in between it and him. I examined my burnt fingers; they were sore and red but not blistered. I'd had worse burns than this.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you jump", he told me, still not moving.

"It's ok. It's not my first burn. It'll be fine", I reassured him. I felt his body relax and he sighed. I tried to move away but to my surprise he slipped his arm cautiously around my waist.

"No. Don't go. Are we alright?" James asked me.

"Yes" It was barely a whisper. His arm squeezed me tighter. "We should…I should…we need to do that assessment to check on the upgrades".

"That night…" he began quietly ignoring me but I interrupted him.

"We don't have to talk about it" I cringed.

"You don't understand", he continued.

"I understand. Can we just forget it happened?" I pleaded feeling embarrassed all over again.

"I can't forget".

"Well that's kind of ironic for a guy that's used to his memory being wiped". I felt him laugh quietly behind me.

"Thing is; I don't want to forget".

"It's harder to forget if you keep telling people about it. You told her I kissed you", I don't know why I said it the words just fell out of my mouth like I had no control. "Why did you tell her?"

"I didn't know how to process what I felt", James explained.

"Well you made how you felt perfectly clear to me", I told him.

"No. No I didn't. You can't imagine what it is to have done the things I've done. You…you're so good. I liked it. I wanted it…I was afraid", he whispered roughly and then he shifted me around so that I was facing him, our bodies still pressed together. Flustered I kept my head down. His hands slid up my waist and up to hold my face between his palms, making me look at him. His gaze dropping from my eyes to my lips. "I just need time. But be my friend Lucy, please". He dropped a little kiss on the top of my head and on my brow. "Just be my friend".

I was so confused. I nodded, too incoherent to be verbal. My head was spinning, my heart was beating faster, my breathing was rapid and I was really warm. This was the hottest Friend-zoning of all time.

He looked relieved with my nod. His shoulders relaxed and he dropped his hands, we drifted apart naturally. I couldn't tell if I was allayed by his groin no longer being pressed against me or disappointed.

James sighed and sat back down in the chair and I had to look away and shake my head and bite my lip, trying to collect a modicum of composure. What the hell was that? Now I was more confused than ever.

I don't know how I carried out the assessment, Not only was I know working with burnt fingers, I was being watched by James with a new intensity that made my cheeks glow. Once it was done, James threw on his top and jacket and hung around by the door.

"You ready to go? I'll walk you to your car", offered leaning against the wall.

"Sure", I replied, switching the iron off and shutting down the computer system. He waited for me outside in the corridor as I locked the door. We didn't speak as we walked down to the garage and we kept a good distance in between us. If he touched me again I was sure I'd combust.

I unlocked the car and he held the door open for me.

"Do you want me to drop you home?" I asked.

"No thanks. Call me when you get in?" He replied. I nodded and as I got into the driver's seat, he put his hand on my cheek again. My breath hitched. "Thank you".

This didn't feel like just friendship.

I got in the car and James shut the door, when I looked around he'd disappeared. I sat in the car motionless for ten minutes before pulling off. As I joined the traffic on the street, a face in the crowd of pedestrians on the sidewalk caught my attention, shocking me out of the haze I'd been in. A man with dark hair, brushed back on his head. He was leaning against a post sipping a coffee. I knew that man, I shivered. I looked back and he was gone. I shook my head. I was seeing things. There was no way that was who it looked like. Rollins was in jail.


	12. Chapter 12

She was underneath me as I held onto her wrists above her head. But she didn't look like she was submitting, with a small grin, she tucked her foot around the outside of my ankle and raised her hips upwards; then rolled to the side taking me with her. She somehow wriggled out of my grip and took her turn on top. The hem of her tank rode up and saw the scar of a bullet wound on her stomach. Absently I raised my hand and traced the scar with my finger, mesmerized by the raised bumpy flesh that marred another wise smooth flat stomach.

"I really do that?" I asked quietly.

"Yes, you really did that", she replied seriously.

"I'm sorry", I told her.

"You've already apologised", she said. She placed her hand over mine and pushed my hand away.

"Let's call it a day", I told her.

"Why because I'm on top?" Natasha arched her brow.

"You're always on top Tasha" I conceded. She smiled suggestively and moved off me. She rolled to the side so that she was lying beside me on the floor.

We lay there for a few moments, getting our breath back. The beginning of our relationship was strained. She didn't like me and that was understandable; I'd worked for HYDRA, I'd tried to kill her friends, I tried to kill her. More than once as it happened. When she first showed me the scar, I didn't believe it but then that memory like the others returned and I knew I'd killed the target through her stomach. But Natasha Romanoff and I were similar. She was a spy, she was an assassin. She told me herself that before Clint Barton found her and brought her to SHIELD she didn't care how she used her skills or who for. She'd walked a dark path and now was trying to make up for. That resonated with me.

"Have you and the technician made up?" She asked me, disturbing the quiet in the room.

"Yes", I replied.

"Have you decided what you're going to do about it?"

"She's just my friend", I told her, the tone in my voice was wary.

"Not the way you look her. You might think you're good at being unreadable but I'm more perceptive than most", she told me, sitting up. I sniffed in derision. "I understand you're trying to protect her by not getting too close. That distance protects our friends from our enemies and it protects them from us. So they don't see who we really are".

I didn't answer her, what she was telling me was the truth. But it wasn't all of it.

"It's hard to let people in. To trust people enough to allow them to see who we really are. But that's what it is to love someone. You trust them and that makes you vulnerable. It's not something people like us can allow", Natasha continued.

"She knows what I am", I told her bleakly, thinking of the times I returned to the vault after a mission and she was there.

"And she's not turned her back on you", Natasha replied standing up.

"Not yet", I said and sat up myself, leaning back against the wall.

"Lucy trusts you", she said handing me a bottle of water.

I unscrewed the cap and took a big gulp of the water. I thought about the weight of the words. _Lucy trusts me_. In our world trust was the most important thing.

"Do you think we are capable of…love, despite the things we've done?" I asked her, surprising us both with my candor.

"I think that we are", she replied. "You love Steve don't you?"

"That's different. There's a bond between us. It was there before. We were brothers", I explained.

"Do you trust Lucy?"

"Yes" I answered without a moment's hesitation.

"Then you know you are. I think what you're really asking is whether we _deserve_ to be loved."

"Maybe", I shrugged. "What do you think?"

"Oh no, I'm not going there" she grinned and then held out a hand, helping me up. "See you later Barnes, don't forget we've still got some scientists to cross off that list of yours". And Natasha left.

I showered, changed and headed out myself; I was still mulling over what she had said when I received a text message.

_Hey! Are you busy? I know I said I was fine but I need an extra guy with super strength x_

I couldn't help but smile to myself. I hadn't been happy when she told me she was moving out of Sam's apartment for a place on her own but it was what she wanted. I made my way across the city to where her new house was. Reassuringly just around the block from Sam. When I got there Lucy was standing on the steps to the house; one hand on her hip and one hand clutching a coffee, watching Sam and Steve move a couch into the house. It was sunny today and she was wearing a white t shirt and denim shorts, her glossy hair was pulled up loosely in a bun on top of her head and her cheeks were rosy. Lucy smiled when she saw me and I tried not to focus on those legs.

"Actual Captain America is helping me move in. My life is so bizarre" She told me amused as I stood beside her on the steps.

"Ah-huh" I agreed with her. "Anything else need moving inside?"

"There's a bunch of boxes in the van", she pointed out and sat down on one of the steps.

"Hard work is it?" I asked, I could feel my lips curling up into smile and she returned it coyly.

"She roped you into it too huh?" Steve asked as he stepped out on to the front porch.

"What's the point of knowing enhanced super soldiers if you can't get them to do the heavy lifting?" She shrugged.

"I guess so" I agreed as I passed her on the steps with a couple of boxes in my arms.

We made a few more runs from the van to the house until everything was inside. Lucy disappeared and came back with donuts and coffee for us as a thank you and we sat in her new kitchen polishing them off. I had to keep my eyes on the kitchen counter, catching Lucy lick the sugar off her lips was incredibly distracting. Sam had to leave for a counselling session and Steve left too, saying he had some grocery shopping to do, when I knew full well he was going to a tactical meeting. We were alone and I had to carry on working to keep my mind off something else. We unpacked box after box and put her things where she wanted them to go. As the day drew closer to the evening Lucy left me to unpack the boxes in the kitchen whilst she made up her bed. Once I was alone I began to look around the single storey house looking for potential security risks and began mapping escape routes for her in my head. She caught me scrutinizing the front door.

"What are you doing?" She asked me, her hands on her hips, standing right behind me.

"I'm...uhm..." I began.

"You're assessing for threats aren't you?" she rolled her eyes.

"Its second nature to me", I shrugged. "Did you consider security when you put a deposit down for this place?"

Lucy sighed and squeezed by me in the hallway. I could smell her warm skin. I fought the urge to push her back up against the wall and trap her between my arms. I didn't know what I'd do with her, I just wanted to feel her body next to mine. Maybe see if there were any traces of sugar on her lips.

She picked up the door chain and slid it across the track.

"There", she replied satisfied. "Security".

"Oh well I feel better now", I deadpanned.

"I'll be ok", she said. She sighed again and walked by me, leaving me alone in the hallway.

We went back to unpacking and tidying until it was well past 10 o'clock in the evening.

"I don't want to look at another box", Lucy said as she threw herself on the couch and kicked off her converse, she looked exhausted. "Thanks for helping".

"Not a problem", I perched on the arm of the easy chair opposite her. "I think I unpacked some cocoa earlier. Do you want me to fix a drink?" She smiled and started laughing. "What's so funny?" I frowned.

"I'm sorry I just can't imagine you making cocoa that's all".

"It's one of my more secret skills", I told her smugly and folded my arms.

"You're just a big softy".

"I am when I'm with you", I confessed and I saw Lucy's cheeks flush pink.

"Bucky..." Lucy began.

"You never call me Bucky", I interrupted. I was surprised to hear her call me that.

"Do you mind?"

"You can call me what you like but Bucky sounds nice when you say it".

"Alright", she smiled. "Bucky, I would love a mug of cocoa, thank you".

It was my turn to blush and I went over to the kitchen. By the time I had located the cocoa, heated the milk and found the mug, I came back to find Lucy asleep on the couch. Her arms above her head in surrender. She needed the rest but she didn't look very comfortable on there. Without thinking about what I was doing I slipped my arms underneath her and lifted her up. Lucy's t shirt slid up as my hand curled around her waist to hold her and I found my fingers gently smoothing over her soft warm skin. She made a soft whimper of complaint at being moved but then she nestled herself closer to my chest and I carried her in my arms to her bedroom. Once inside I reluctantly laid her down on her freshly made white bed. As I moved away she reached for my hands.

"No. Stay", she fussed sleepily.

I hesitated.

"Please Bucky".

"Alright", I replied huskily. I carefully lay on my back beside Lucy on the bed. She sighed and I felt her edge towards me, her little foot poked at my legs until it found a comfy spot to hitch a leg over mine; her hand grabbed at the material of my t shirt, bunching it together in her palm and then she rested her forehead on the side of my cybernetic arm, just where the red star was. I could hear her exhale in a steady, contented rhythm. Lucy trusted me, even in her slumber.


	13. Chapter 13

The hand was there again, curling around my neck, smooth cold fingers pressing against the skin. My throat burned as the hand squeezed and crushed. _Please, I choked. Please_. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't breathe. And the blue eyes that held my gaze were cold and vengeful. _No. Stop. No._

"Stop! No! Please No! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I cried aloud, jolting me awake. The room was lit up by the moonlight streaming in through a gap in the curtains. I gasped when I saw those blue eyes above me but this time they were warm and full of concern and I knew that it had been the dream again.

"Ssh, Lucy, ssh", he soothed. Bucky wiped at my cheeks that were wet with tears.

"I'm sorry", I told him desperately. "I'm sorry".

"Lucy, calm down, it was just a dream", he reassured me softly. Bucky carefully peeled my hands away from my neck, I didn't even realise I was clutching at it. I gave in and instinctively gravitated towards the warmth of his body. Bucky allowed me hide my face against his chest as I sobbed some; I felt him close his arms around me, hesitantly at first but then with confidence as he smoothed his fingertips up and down my back. He held me until my tears had stopped and my breathing was calm.

"I've got your t shirt all wet", I said into his chest apologetically after a little while.

"I've got others", he replied pragmatically. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No", I replied. I couldn't let him know that a nightmare version of him was responsible for my distress. "That was kind of awkward right? I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable".

"That's what friends are for".

"I Bet Steve doesn't sob into your chest when he's had a bad dream".

"Mmm, not since the early 1930s". I smiled at that and moved my head away from the hiding place that was Bucky's chest. He released me and we rolled apart. I blushed, embarrassed.

"What was the dream about? And don't say nothing" Bucky asked, lying on his side facing me, mirroring my position.

"I can't tell you", I told him.

"Because it's about me?" Bucky guessed correctly. I didn't answer. "Your dream is about me hurting you?" I nodded reluctantly.

"But it's not _you_; it's a version of you. It's…"

"The Winter Soldier", Bucky finished for me. I nodded again. "What do I do to you?"

"It doesn't matter", I said dismissing it.

"What do I do to you?" He asked again firmly. I swallowed and sighed deeply.

"You're angry with me for what I've done to you. Looking for revenge I guess, like you did with the other scientists. And I'm scared. You put your hand…this hand", I said gesturing to his metal arm. "You put it around my neck and you squeeze. And it feels like I can't breathe. And I beg you to stop but you don't. You never stop", I confess and shrugged sheepishly. Bucky remained silent but he looked hurt. He bit his lower lip and looked down at the bed as if he was gathering his thoughts. And then suddenly he sat up, got out of the bed and left the room.

_Shit_. I had messed up again. I rubbed at my itchy tired eyes and threw my head back on my pillow a few times in frustration. _Shit. Shit. Shit._

I got out of the bed myself and followed him into the lounge but he wasn't there.

"James?" I whispered. "Bucky?"

My hand was grabbed in the darkness from behind and I was gently but firmly spun around. I gasped in surprise. Bucky raised his silver arm and it glinted in the moonlight.

"This hand?" He asked quietly. I nodded and he carefully placed it around my neck, his thumb resting at the base of my throat. My heart began to quicken pace and I swallowed, my mouth suddenly dry. He locked his eyes on mine. "I know I've done things that scared you, that hurt you but I will never, _never_, hurt you again".

"I know", I croaked.

"You trust me", he whispered. I nodded.

"I never pushed the panic button back then and I wont now".

"Lucy", he breathed as his metal thumb stroked sensuously up and down the length of my throat. My knees began to feel like jello, as if I had had a couple of glasses of wine. Bucky bent his head down and to my astonishment and utter thrill he placed his lips on the curve of my neck. They were warm and soft. I could feel his hot breath on my skin. I knew I was unsteady and I leaned into him for support. "I'll never hurt you. I wont let _anyone_ hurt you. I care about you, I...I..." Agitated Bucky released my neck and brushed his hand through his hair.

"I don't have the right to say it!" He said angrily, more to himself than to me.

"You don't have to say anything", I reassured him quickly in a whisper. Although I wanted to know desperately what _it_ was, I'd never push him. I could only keep my quiet hope to myself. "I don't expect you to. You don't owe me a word".

"No. I owe you so much more", Bucky told me seriously, placing his hands on my shoulders and looking at me almost longingly.

"Well, you definitely owe me a cocoa", I shrugged and attempted a half smile which turned into a full one when I saw he returned it. His body relaxed and he dropped his arms.

"Why are you so sweet?" He asked. I scrunched up my nose.

"I guess it just comes naturally".

"Shall I stay?" Bucky asked, I swore he looked hopeful. I nodded in agreement and he reached for my hand shyly. I laced my fingers with his and gave him an encouraging squeeze. He led the way to the bedroom but hesitated at the doorway. "Lucy. What we have, it's important to me. I don't want to mess it up". I knew this was his way of asking that I not try and push for anything more. I gave his hand another gentle squeeze in acquiescence.

Once inside he let go and pulled off his t shirt. I hovered by the door. It was my turn to hesitate. That I wasn't expecting and I blushed and looked at the floor.

He sat on the bed and tugged off his boots. He knew I had noticed that he had a knife strapped to his ankle and looked apologetic. It wondered if he had a gun somewhere on him and I suppressed a shiver. Those were the realities of his life, things I had to accept.

I sat on the other side and whilst his back was turned I yanked off my denim shorts and put on some pajama pants I had stuffed in to the drawer beside the bed. I slipped under the sheets quickly before he even turned around, suddenly self conscious. The bed dipped as he lay back and were still and stiff on the sheets, inches away from one and other but not touching. It was suddenly more awkward than before when I was sleepy and he was relaxed. Gradually, as though we had no free will of our own we edged closer and our backs were touching. The presence of him was overwhelming. I heard Bucky sigh in exasperation and he rolled over and I felt the weight of his arm on mine as he wriggled closer so that he curled around me. I relaxed into the embrace, enjoying the sensation of him wrapped around me. After a little while, I was being lulled into sleep once more and I felt his fingers ghost over my hair as he brushed it upwards on to the pillow.

"You're beautiful Lucy", he whispered. "So beautiful".


	14. Chapter 14

I was comfortably positioned on Steve and Bucky's couch. Steve wasn't home, Bucky was very vague about where he was, I figured it was more unofficial SHIELD business. My head happily resting against Bucky's chest he put his arm around me, holding me there. We were watching an old black and white movie, he said he remembered seeing it when it first came out. He lazily ran his fingers up and down my arm. Our _friendship_ that felt so much more than friendship was continuing to delight and frustrate me. But right now, I was content. Utterly content. I sighed and snuggled closer.

"Hello Natasha, I didn't know Steve gave you a key" Bucky said, making me jump. I turned around and sure enough she was hovering by the door. I didn't even hear it open. I instantly back away from Bucky, feeling embarrassed at being caught so _together_. I know I'm blushing furiously and Bucky bites his lip in amusement.

"I water the plants when he's away", she smirks.

"Agent Romanoff", I greet her. "I'll leave you both to it" I get up off the couch, believing that she wishes to speak to Bucky about a mission.

"Actually Lucy, this concerns both of you", she replies stepping towards us. She's holding something in her hands which she deposits on the coffee table in front of Bucky and I. It's a photograph and the image startles me. I inhale sharply. The person in the photo had dark hair, brushed off his face, sunglasses perched on his head. I thought I had imagined him before.

"I thought you'd remember him", she remarks folding her arms.

"He was a member of the STRIKE team", Bucky informs her, leaning forwards on the couch. "He was with us in the vault". He throws me a concerned look. I know the color has drained from my face.

"Rollins", Natasha confirmed his name. "He escaped custody last month. With SHIELD still rebuilding that information has only just filtered down to us".

My heart is beating rapidly and I begin to feel dizzy.

"Are you alright?" Bucky asks standing up.

"I saw him" I croak. "I saw him".

"What?" He asks surprised.

"When was this?" Natasha asked me at the same time.

"I don't know. A few weeks ago", I reply anxiously. I look down at the photo again. He'd been in DC.

"And you didn't tell me?" Bucky snapped, he was angry.

"I didn't think. I didn't think it was him, I thought I was imagining him", I shook my head, looking at the floor trying to recall the moment I drove by him. Bucky was in front of me now, he held onto my upper arms firmly.

"Did he see you?" He asked, I didn't reply. I just remembered Rollins' face; he was drinking coffee. "Hey! Did he see you?" Bucky shook me.

"I…I don't know. I don't know" I shook my head some more and tried to shrug off Bucky's hold.

"Lucy, it's ok", Natasha was now beside me, I didn't miss the warning look she shot Bucky and he dropped his hands. "Just relax, try to remember. Where did you see him?"

"Florida Avenue. I was on my way home. I was in my car. I don't think he saw me. He was drinking coffee. I thought I was imagining it".

"You should have said something", she said gently. I nodded. I should have.

She asked more questions about the sighting and I answered them the best I could. All the while I could see Bucky was getting more and more agitated. He paced up and down the carpet as I told Natasha everything I could.

"Why do you think he came back here? It's risky isn't it?" I asked her.

"I wouldn't come back here unless it was absolutely necessary. But I think its safe to assume that he didn't come back to take anyone out", she replied and I knew that she meant me.

"How could you know that? He could be waiting", Bucky interjected.

"If the first mission I were given, straight after escaping prison, was to eliminate a target in the city where I had been captured, I wouldn't wait over three weeks to complete it. Would you? No, you'd go in, get it done and get out. Clean and precise."

"He's not like you and I. He's not an assassin".

"He might not even still be here", I offered quietly.

"No, he might not. But we need to know why he was here in the first place". Natasha said. "I'll have a team check out his old address, his old local haunts".

"Do you actually believe he's stupid enough to hang around his old apartment?" Bucky scoffed.

"He's not like you and I. He's not a spy", Natasha countered.

"We should start with his old base of operations. You think you could take a look?" Natasha asked Bucky.

"The vault?" I couldn't disguise the revulsion in my voice. Bucky nodded to Natasha and both ignored me.

"Anything comes up, you call me", she told Bucky as she made her way out of the room. "Oh and Bucky. Ideally, we need him breathing".

"No promises", he told her ominously. She arched her eyebrow disapprovingly and left.

"I can't believe you're willing to go back to that place", I said incredulously as I followed him in to his bedroom. I realise as I stand inside just by the door way that it is the first time I've ever been in here. It is sparse and tidy. The bed is made immaculately, remnants of his old military life. By his bed there is a cabinet with an old black and white photo in a frame. The picture is of Bucky and Steve, taken sometime in the war. Both are smiling. Beside that there is another picture, more recent, of Steve and I taken at the Veterans charity dinner. When he sees that I have noticed he discreetly turns it the other way. Bucky opens his closet and selects some black items and lays them out on the bed. He removes his white tank and puts on a black t shirt and sits down on the bed. He takes a Velcro strap contraption, fixes it around his ankle and slides a dangerous looking knife in the pocket before rolling down his pants.

"You shouldn't go back".

"It's just a room Lucy", he replied.

"Where you were brainwashed and tortured", I pointed out, fully aware of my own role in that shameful history. "What if it brings back it all back, you've been doing...good, I don't want that place to knock you off course".

Bucky pulled out a gun from the cabinet beside his bed. I watched him remove and inspect the clip before reinserting it and holding it in his hand, checking the feel and aim.

"I'm fine. I've been working on those issues", he told me with a darkness he couldn't hide. I knew that he was referring to the work he was doing with SHIELD, ticking HYDRA operatives off the list.

"I'll come with you", I told him, still leaning against the bedroom wall.

"Absolutely not", Bucky replied seriously. He got up off the bed and slipped on a black holster and placed the gun in it. "You're staying here".

"No, I'm not", I didn't mean to sound as whiney as I did and I moved to stand in front of the door. Bucky put on his black tactical jacket and he looked all kinds of dangerous standing over me as I blocked his exit.

"Move out of the way Lucy", he said in an exhausted voice, as if he couldn't tolerate me anymore.

"No", I told him.

"Lucy!" Bucky warned.

"No. I'm coming with you. You're not going there alone", I insisted, my voice firmer this time. Bucky put his hands on my shoulders.

"You're not coming", Bucky shook his head.

"Think about it. I know that place just as well as you. If not better, all the little labs and offices, the storage rooms. I know them", I argued. "I won't go off on my own, I'll stay with you, I promise. We'll look around together and at the first sign of any trouble I'll do exactly what you tell me to do".

Bucky sighed and his eyes dropped to the floor as he mulled it over.

"Look, the vault is the last place on earth I want to go, alright? But I don't want you to be there alone. You don't have to go through that alone. I want to be with you, to help you", I placed my hand on his cyber hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. He finally looked up at me and he sighed in resignation.

"You do not leave my side, do you understand", I nod furiously. "You do everything I tell you and you don't argue".

"Everything. No arguing. I swear", I tell him.

"Come on, lets get this done", Bucky said taking me by the hand and leaving the apartment.

By the time we had pulled up on the street where the old bank was located I knew I had made a terrible error in judgement. I actively avoided this part of town so I never had to confront the reality that this place existed. In all honesty I liked to tell myself that SHIELD had blown the place up but no, sure enough there it stood, more dilapidated than ever but very much still in existence. I followed Bucky's lead as we broke into the building. The main electricity was unsurprisingly off and we cautiously made our way through the dark corridors with only the aid of the light mounted to Bucky's gun. I had to keep burying the waves of nausea as I recognised the path we took to the main vault. The security on the door was now defunct. No locks nor door scanner nor fingerprint register. Just a door that SHIELD agents didn't feel the need to secure after they finished examining the vault. The gun light shone on the metal gate and the deposit boxes in the background. We were here. The vault door was hanging off its bottom hinge, no longer attached to its top, no doubt it had been blown open. Bucky went first and carefully lifted me over it. It was pitch black. But I knew how to make things a little clearer.

"Bucky, could you shine the light over here, to the right?" I whispered. He did and I followed the light to a big pull down switch on the wall. I tugged with all my might and there was a splutter, a crackle and a flicker. Then the lights came on. And there we were. Back in the room where we met.

"Back up generator", I shrugged nonchalantly. I managed to bite my tongue before I added that I knew he'd need me.

We stood in silence as we looked around the vault, nothing from our time here remained. It had been gutted. But I didn't need to see the lab chair in front of us to be reminded of Bucky screaming in pain as they wiped him. I didn't need to see the solder iron to taste it in the air, nor hear the sparks of electricity in the room. This room was ingrained in me. In us both.

"Come on, we need to look around", I followed Bucky as we went over the place, checked every room, every store cupboard, examined everything but it was clear no one had been here. But Bucky hesitated in front of one door and I shivered thinking that he had heard someone behind it.

"What is it?" I whispered instantly chastising myself, in case he suspected someone was there. I didn't recognise this door, I certainly had not been in whatever room lay behind it.

"This is where they kept me in Cryo", he told me quietly.

"Oh Bucky", I said quietly. My heart ached for him. He twisted the handle and leant on the heavy door busting it open. I didn't expect to see anything in this room either, I imagined it would have been emptied like the others but no, there it was opposite us. The Cryogenic chamber they kept Bucky in. Instinctively I reached for his hand. Slowly Bucky made his way over to it, his face unreadable. He placed his fingers on the glass and then his face twisted in pain.

"They stole my life", he spat angrily. "I should have died. I would have died for something, I'd have died a good man. They stole that from me".

"Bucky", I tried to reach him. My eyes already swimming with tears, the compassion for him was overwhelming. And so was the guilt.

"They turned me into a weapon. A monster! They did that! They did that!" Bucky punched at the glass on the chamber and I jumped back with fright.

"Bucky stop!" I said as he pounded his metal fist into the glass. "Stop!"

He stopped pounding and threw his arms around me and buried his head against my neck.

"It's alright. Hey, it's okay", I soothed as we sank to the floor together. I held onto Bucky, gently rocking him in my arms as he calmed down, my hands stroking up and down his back. We stayed sat on the cold floor together for sometime, I would have stayed for as long as he wanted but something niggled at me. That familiar feeling of being watched. I looked up anxiously and in the corner of the room I was reminded of what had always unnerved and frightened me during my time here. The security camera pointing as us.

"Bucky?" I whispered into the top of his head. "Bucky, do you think the cameras are working still?"

"SHIELD would have cut the power to them", he replied, his voice raw.

"But I turned the back up generator on. What if they have some sort of back up too? They could be accessed remotely", the fear in my voice was evident enough. I felt him stiffen in my arms and then he lifted his gaze to mine. He nodded.

"Let's go", he said pulling me to my feet. "He's not been here. No ones been here".

I was even more afraid on the way out than I had been coming in, intensely aware that HYDRA could be watching us right now. It creeped me out beyond all measure. In the lab area Bucky killed the generator switch and again we journeyed to the exit in darkness. Outside the relief was so palpable I could have wept. The journey in the car was silent. It was a mistake to go back. For both of us. I didn't even have the courage to speak when I realised he missed the turning to my house. So I stayed silent all the way to Steve and Bucky's apartment. Nor did I say anything when he took me by the hand and lead me in to the building. Inside the apartment, with the door safely closed behind us, Bucky broke the silence first.

"I'll call Natasha, tell her there's no intel. You'll stay here tonight. You shouldn't be alone".

"Ok", I agreed quietly.

"Ok? No argument, no protests? Are you alright?" Bucky asked. I saw him curve his lips into the briefest of smiles.

"I don't want to be alone. That place..." I trailed off. Bucky crossed the room and held my hand.

"It's done", he assured me.

"You're not going to point out it was my idea to go with you?", I asked half joking.

"No, you were right. I needed someone with me. I'm glad it was you", Bucky squeezed my hand and disappeared into the bedroom. I heard him talk to Natasha as I sat on the couch, hugging my knees. When he returned he had a t shirt in his hands and held it out for me.

"I figured you might want something more comfortable to sleep in", he shrugged.

"Thank you", I said and stood up went into the bedroom. I undid the button and zipper on my jeans and wriggled out of them. I tugged off my own t shirt and as I slipped the t shirt Bucky gave me over my head I sensed I wasn't alone. I turned around and Bucky was there, watching me, biting his lower lip.

"Bucky?" I gasped surprised.


	15. Chapter 15

"I'm sorry. I was just…" I trailed off. I didn't know what I was doing. I couldn't stop myself following Lucy to the bedroom. I couldn't stop myself from standing by the door and watching her undress. She blushed scarlet and tugged down the t shirt as quickly as possible, her hair got all messy and tousled in the process. I swallowed hard. Lucy looked so tempting, stood by _my_ bed in one of _my_ t shirts. _My technician._ I felt a possessiveness I had no right to.

"No one ever taught you to knock?" She chastised but there was no real annoyance in her voice.

"No I'm used to shooting my way in", I joked. Lucy sighed exasperated and then smiled wryly. I found myself gravitating toward Lucy, not stopping until I was standing over her, she was so small, she looked so vulnerable.

"I didn't mean to creep up on you like that." I said as I knelt down to undo my boots, I took a long look at her legs as I pulled them off. "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable". I removed the knife at my ankle and placed it on the drawers by my bed, leaning over her as I did so.

"It's ok. It could be worse. At least it's just you. Potentially I could have HYDRA spying on me getting undressed. I mean, I'm not saying you were watching me getting undressed or anything. As if. Oh God! Or that HYDRA would be like, yeah lets just watch this chick with the jiggling thighs trip over her own jeans because that's totally hot because I'm pretty sure they'd just shoot me in the head. Which you know because you were like the guy that did that. Oh God! I'm sorry".

"Lucy, do you think you could stop babbling for maybe a second?" I asked but I wasn't really annoyed at her.

"Oh. Okay", she replied embarrassed. I tucked some of the hair that had escaped its binding behind her ears and let my fingers linger on her cheeks, eventually cradling her face between my palms. Lucy looked up at me expectantly and swallowed. I saw her pause and open her mouth to say something. I acted quickly and dropped my lips to hers, pressing them against her slightly open mouth. Her breath hitched and I pulled away momentarily. Her eyelids fluttered in surprise and then she licked her lips.

"Bucky..." she began with a whisper but I didn't allow her to finish. If she finished, I might not do what I wanted to do. I kissed her again, taking her plump lower lip between mine. Lucy relaxed and leaned into me, her hands pressing against my chest, standing on tip toes. I caught her fleshy lip between my teeth and she sighed, a delicious sound so tempting to my ears.

I pressed myself closer against her. She petite, I was alarmed my own strength, I realised I had so much power over her. I wanted to be so careful with her. My other hand rested on Lucy's hip and my fingers stroked gently at her soft skin.

"Bucky", she breathed against my cheek and kissed the corner of my lips. She held on to my arms, her hands not able to reach all the way around them, both flesh and bionic. Lucy lifted her head up to give me better access. I wanted this. I lazily slid my hand over her hip, cupped her ass and then along her thigh.

"Oh", Lucy yelped in surprise. I couldn't stop the ridiculous proud grin that formed from my lips.

I raised Lucy's leg and encouraged her to wrap it around my waist.

"I'll fall", she protested breathlessly.

I shook my head and pushed Lucy up against the wall and lifted her off the floor altogether, supporting her entirely by the weight of my body. The t shirt had ridden up to her waist but I wanted it gone entirely. I pulled it off her and she giggled as it got caught up around one of her elbows. I hissed frustrated as I gave it another tug to free it from her. Once it was gone I could see the bloom of pink heat that had formed on her chest and I was mesmerized like a teenage boy at the way her breasts rose and fell with each heavy breath she took. I let my eyes linger over her, I couldn't remember ever feeling such longing before. I felt Lucy's hands around my waist, un-tucking my t shirt, the sensation of her deft little fingers ghosting over my skin was electrifying. I helped her remove the offending item and enjoyed the way her hands smoothed over my shoulders and arms. Both of them. It was foolish but I examined her face for any sign of revulsion. But she wasn't repulsed by the metal fused to my flesh, of course she wasn't. There was only acceptance. _Trust. _

The rush of tender feeling nearly knocked me off my feet.

I kissed her forehead affectionately, then each of her cheeks and then the tip of her nose. My hand held her face and I smoothed my thumb along her lower lip, parting it gently. I kissed her again and again and when I slipped my tongue inside her mouth she arched her back, her hips shifted upwards, pressing herself further against me. The movement had me instantly hard. Lucy moaned into my mouth and I couldn't breathe.

Without even thinking I had pulled us both down on to the bed. Lucy was underneath me, I propped myself up with my metal arm, trying to keep my weight off her. Lucy's arms wrapped around my neck as we kissed each other hungrily. My free hand stroked over the soft curve of her waist and I was enthralled by the feel of the fullness of her breast. Encouraged by the sweet sounds she made into my mouth I let my hand rest there, my thumb slowly circling her peaked nipple through the white lace. Her delightful sighs were all I could hear, driving me crazy so I was almost shocked by my own guttural grunt of pleasure. It had been so long it was unfamiliar. I moved away from her lips, moving my kisses further south, desperate to taste more of her skin. She was warm and sweet. I trailed kisses down her throat, kissed her swollen nipple, still hidden to me and her stomach all the while she wriggled underneath my touch. _I worshiped her. _I slid my hand between her thighs and parted her legs. I positioned myself between them, stunned at my own confidence. Suddenly the pliant, yielding Lucy became rigid under my touch.

"Are you okay? Did I hurt you?" I rasped, afraid of my own strength and want.

"No", she swallowed. Lucy bit her lip troubled. "It's just, it's been a while since I...you know". She looked embarrassed. I sighed relieved.

"Well...it's been kind of while for me too", I smiled. And she smiled. And then she giggled and I couldn't stop myself from laughing. And then we were kissing again, our foreheads and noses bumping, smiling like two lovesick teenagers. I wanted her more than ever but her hesitance had kick started my own.

"We don't have to do this now", I told her in between kisses.

"Do you want to wait?" She asked.

"I've waited seventy or so years, what's a few weeks more?" I joked and I felt her lips curl up into a smile.

"You might change your mind. _Just friends_ remember?" Lucy reminded me. "Do you want this Bucky? Truly? Because I don't think I could pretend that this didn't happen. It would break my heart". Lucy was serious now. I could see the fear in her eyes that I might do that do her. I kissed her deeply.

"I want you Lucy", I told her honestly. "I've wanted you for a long time. And I'll want you tomorrow".

"I love you", Lucy told me sincerely. My heart grew at those words. My body was saturated with emotions. I couldn't think, I could only feel. "And you don't have to say anything back, I've told you before you don't owe me anything and I..." I cut her off with another kiss. I didn't want her to think either. I only wanted her to feel. She relaxed once more and my hand soothed and stroked down her body to between her soft thighs. With increasing confidence my real hand pressed over her mound. Lucy arched her back off the mattress at the contact and mewled into my mouth. Satisfied with the result I slid my hand inside her underwear and kept it there, slowly stroking up and down.

"You don't have to", Lucy told me, trying to dislodge my hand. The pleasure in her voice, however, betrayed to me that I did.

"Does it feel good?" I asked her, already knowing the answer. She bit her lip and nodded. I watched enthralled as she rode the waves of pleasure that I was bringing on. I was so used to people experiencing pain at my hand, I was fascinated that I could be responsible for so much pleasure too. I kissed her as she came, crying out in to my mouth. I held her until she stopped shaking, I fussed over her until she was still in my arms. What I could do to her, my lovely technician, was incredible.


	16. Chapter 16

I rolled over and my body hit something warm and hard. Caught in between sleep and waking it took me a while to register where I was. This bed felt unfamiliar. With my eyes still closed I reached out and felt skin, I could feel the contours of musculature and eventually where warm skin met metal. My eyes slowly opened. So last night wasn't a dream, I was in his bed. The memory of the evening flooded back to me and I couldn't stop the smile that appeared. Bucky was still sleeping, his bionic arm resting lazily over my hip, he must have held me all night. I yawned and rubbed my eyes. I needed to pee. I slowly tried to disentangle myself and slip from the bed. The movement disturbed him and he groaned in complaint; pulling me back towards him. I didn't protest. He opened his eyes and for a beat looked confused.

"Hi", I said quietly.

"Hello", he whispered. I decided to test what he had said last night and brushed the wild bed hair back off his face and dropped a kiss on the corner of his mouth. I half expected him to recoil but he didn't. He kissed me back and I sighed in relief. He hadn't forgotten then.

"I have to use the bathroom", I admitted awkwardly. He reluctantly released me; I threw on his discarded t shirt on the floor and tiptoed out of the bedroom. The drapes were wide open and sunlight was streaming into the apartment. Steve was in the kitchen, pouring coffee into a mug with a huge grin on his face.

"Good morning", Steve greeted me amused.

"Hey, morning. Sorry", I said mortified at being caught.

"Bucky is…uh…?" He trailed off and picked up a tea towel.

"Still..." I blushed and pointed to the bedroom. Steve flung the tea towel over his shoulder and flipped over a pancake in the skillet. "So, I'll just go and uh…" I said and disappeared into the bathroom. I peed, washed my face and tried to flatten my sticking up hair. I saw some mouthwash on a shelf and had a rinse. I could hear voices in the lounge. Bucky was awake, he and Steve were talking. I pressed my ear to the door to eavesdrop.

"I thought she'd be here. Tasha filled me in on Rollins. I figured I might have found you on the couch though, what with you two just being friends", Steve said.

"Don't be a jerk Steve", Bucky replied. I heard Steve laugh.

"Come on Bucky, I'm not even saying I told you so. But I did tell you so".

"You don't know anything", Bucky retorted.

"The woman you pretend you are not in love with wanders out of your bedroom in your t shirt at 7am. I've got a pretty good grasp of the situation".

"Shut up, she'll hear you", Bucky hissed and I heard a snap of a towel.

"Seriously Buck, I'm happy you've stopped fighting it. She's good for you, I mean it".

"Thank you. It's just I..."

I didn't want to know the end of that sentence. What's that they say about eavesdroppers, listen long enough and they'll hear something bad about themselves. I opened the bathroom door and stepped into the living area.

They stopped talking immediately, Bucky was sitting at the breakfast bar holding a mug of coffee between his hands. He looked as embarrassed as I felt. Steve however was clearly enjoying the moment.

"Do you like pancakes?" Steve asked, when he saw me exit the bathroom.

"Sure I like pancakes", I answered and hovered awkwardly by the kitchen counter watching him dish them up onto plates. Bucky rolled his eyes and I smiled.

"I hope you don't mind me staying over last night", I apologised as he handed me a plate with a stack of blueberry pancakes.

"No of course not, it's absolutely fine", he shook his head and smiled, looking from me to Bucky. "Syrup?" He offered, holding the bottle near my plate. I nodded and he squeezed some amber liquid over my breakfast. I sat down next to Bucky at the breakfast bar and broke a piece of pancake away with a fork. I had to admit it tasted amazing.

"Mmm, this is delicious", I told him. Captain America could save the world and cook; he was a hero.

"Thank you", he said. "Bucky used to make them, it's his recipe actually..."

"Coffee?" Bucky asked quickly, preventing Steve from saying anymore. I nodded, my mouth full and he poured me some and passed me the mug. I swallowed my food and took a sip.

"You guys breakfast like this every morning?" I asked.

"No", Bucky replied shortly.

"That's a shame, a girl could get used to this", I laughed nervously.

"But you'd get them everyday", he added gently and he put his mug down on the counter next to mine, our hands touching. I caught him looking softly at me and he glanced away quickly, embarrassed. Steve was smiling so hard I thought he would burst.

We ate the rest of our breakfast together, the mood switched from awkward to relaxed. Neither Bucky or Steve would allow me to clear away or fill the dishwasher. I got dressed in yesterday's clothes and watched TV as Bucky showered and dressed for the day. They were dropping me home to shower and change before taking me to the lab. Despite my protestations, Bucky insisted. I got the impression now I had spotted Rollins in the city my calls to the SHIELD protection team would be much more frequent. I shivered, I thought I was done with all that. I didn't know if he was back to eliminate me. I was a nobody to HYDRA, an electronics technician they duped because I was unremarkable. Their secret was out, I knew nothing that could hurt them anymore. The most damage I could do to them right now would be to re-wire their plug wrong. I had to believe Natasha, that Rollins was back for some other reason. Steve joined me on the couch.

"Don't worry, we'll find Rollins", he said confidently.

"I know", I agreed.

"Thank you, by the way", he said warmly.

"What for?" I asked confused.

"For making him smile", Steve clarified. I felt my cheeks go pink.

"I can't take credit for that", I brushed it off.

"Bucky is my family, it's hard to watch him struggle with his past, to come to terms with it but you; you make him happy, give him hope and I'm grateful for that".

"Thank you", I whisper.

"Are you ready?" Bucky appeared behind us and interrupted the conversation.

The three of us drove to my house. Once there Bucky went in first to make sure my own home was safe enough for me to enter. I stayed in the car with Steve. I thought the whole thing was ridiculous but I didn't argue, I mean these two guys knew more about threats and danger than I could imagine, I would have to trust their judgement. Once Bucky had deemed it safe he waved me inside. I trotted out of the SUV and into my house. Bucky closed the door as soon as I had crossed over the threshold. As I squeezed by him in the hallway he grabbed my hand and pulled me back towards him, enveloped me in his arms and lifted me off my feet to kiss me. It was a longing kiss which left me breathless.

"Wow", I said as he dropped me back to the ground.

"I've been waiting to do that all morning", he confessed wickedly and licked his lips.

"Wow" I repeated, dazed.

"You better get ready for work, Steve and I have to meet with Natasha and Sam soon". I didn't like the sound of that. The team meeting together usually meant an operation.

"Do you guys have a mission coming up?" I asked in a small, concerned voice. Bucky placed his hands on my shoulders.

"It's a briefing that's all", he reassured. "We're you ever this concerned when I left the vault?"

"They never told me when you were deployed. I only knew there'd been a mission when you'd gotten back. But yes, I suppose I did worry about you. I worried I might not see you again and that we never really knew each other. And you'd never know how sorry I was", I explained.

"Lucy, you were the only person I really knew back then. I didn't even know myself".

I stood on my tip toes to kiss him lightly on his cheek. He could be incredibly sweet for an ex super-assassin.

I showered, brushed my teeth, threw my semi wet hair into a bun on top of my head and dressed for work. I clipped my ID badge to my blouse and grabbed my bag. Bucky was hovering by the bedroom door as I came out.

"What time do you finish at the lab?" He asked, taking my bag for me and I followed him to the hallway.

"Uhh, about 6pm", I replied. "Then I'm off to our lab, there are still about a hundred files I haven't even opened on the flash drive. Fogal put every little idea he had on to that thing".

"Call me when your finished, I'll come pick you up".

"Yes, Sergeant Barnes, sir", I said as we reached the front door.

"Very funny", he chided and turned to me. He let my bag fall to the floor as he pressed me against the wall, taking me in another kiss that made my insides fizzle and my blouse rumple. He broke off the kiss and I straightened my clothes. But Steve knew what took so long, he didn't even have to say a word. It was written all over his face.

They dropped me off outside the lab. Nothing about the building suggested it belonged to SHIELD, since it was declared and then undeclared a terrorist organisation, SHIELD kept all of its bases, labs and departments secret from the public and hopefully safe from HYDRA attacks. The electronic communications lab I worked at was called 'YuTel Communications'. As far as the rest of the world was concerned we researched and developed equipment for cellular networks. I buzzed to get in the building and turned to wave off Bucky and Steve once the door opened for me. I said hello to the security guards as I was cleared to enter the lab and grabbed a coffee from the machine. I don't think I managed much work, I spent most of the day curling copper wire round my fingers as my colleagues bounced ideas off each other. I was too busy thinking about last night. How wonderful it had been. I recalled James' every touch, every caress, the way he looked at me; it made me burn inside.

I managed to get away earlier than planned to the other lab. Located on the fifth floor of the building, the floor was accessed by fingerprint and retina scans. Officially this floor was used as a drop point visiting field agents to collect tech, not really for lowly techs like me but unofficially my lab was tucked away in the corner and people like Natasha, Steve and importantly Bucky could come and go without too much suspicion being aroused.

In my own lab I kicked off my shoes and turned on the computer. I kept the flash drive Bucky gave me in a small safe here. I keyed in the combination, retrieved it and plugged it in. I was ready for a few hours of sifting through the unchecked data. Most of the files were results on EMP testing, I cringed when I saw my name listed there. I clicked on an unread file called _PRGRM, _it was password protected. I tried all the passwords I had been privy to when working on The Asset. Nothing. No file had been barred to me before. I was puzzled. There were things on this flash drive which I thought had to be at least level 7 clearance and yet I had been able to access them all. But not this. What had Fogal been hiding here? _PRGRM.__Weapons program? _I rubbed at my temples_. _I already knew that right? I thought about asking Bucky to help, he was trained like a spy, he could probably hack a file. But what if Bucky had protected the file, he had been through the flash drive already surely? Was there something on here he didn't want me to know?

A knock at the lab door startled me. I turned around and Bucky was standing in the doorway.

"Hi" I greeted him closing the laptop and disconnecting the flash drive.

"You ready to go?" He asked smiling, his hands tucked into his jean pockets. I nodded and carefully replaced the flash drive in the safe. "Find anything useful?"

"Do you know anything about a file called _PRGRM?" _I bit the bullet and asked him outright. "Its password protected and its the only file I can't access".

"No", he replied and I found myself examining his face for any trace of deception. There were none. I visibly sighed in relief. "Hey, are you alright?"

"I want to go home", I said quietly. "Looking through all this stuff, it's hard you know". I admitted and leaned into his chest, resting my forehead on the solidness of his frame. He gently wrapped his arms around me and I felt him drop a kiss on the top of my head.

"Tasha asked me if you'd like her to arrange a SHIELD security detail outside your house?" Bucky asked tentatively.

"No. I want you, I only want you", I said wrapping my arms around his waist.


	17. Chapter 17

"For he's a jolly good fellow and so say all of us", Sam and I chorused. Steve blew out the candles on his birthday cake and we applauded.

"Thank you", Steve smiled. "Who wants a piece?"

"I will definitely take some of that", Natasha replied holding out her plate. Steve cut up the cake and served it up. I took a piece for me and Bucky and joined him as he sat with his back against the brick wall of the doorway. It was Steve's birthday and Bucky, Sam, Natasha and I were on the roof of their building waiting for the fireworks. Of course Captain America's birthday was July 4th!

"Cake?" I asked him, proffering the red, white and blue paper plate. He didn't say anything but took it out of my hand anyways. I sat next to him on the blanket and stretched out my legs. It had been a really nice day. I usually went home for the weekend but my parents were staying with my aunt and uncle in Oahu, so that left me in DC. But I didn't mind. I was happy to be here, happy and grateful, to be with friends. I sighed, content. I was utterly relaxed but Bucky was stiff beside me. He had discarded the cake on the side.

"Its good cake", I said. "You're not worried about your figure are you? Everyone knows there are no calories in birthday cakes. They get blown away when the candles go out". He didn't reply. He just kept staring at Steve.

"Hey Bucky, what's wrong?" I asked and gently put my hand on his arm. He looks down at the gesture and then at me.

"Nothing", he replied gruffly.

"Doesn't seem like nothing", I pointed out and I caught a flash of annoyance in his eyes. "Fine, forget I asked I'm going to talk to Sam". As I made to get up, Bucky sighed and I he curled his hand around my wrist gently and I sat back down.

"Don't…go. I'm sorry", he apologised.

"Look, I know sometimes you like to be alone and I am more than happy to let you do that but its Steve's birthday and it's a holiday. What's the matter?"

"Just thinking about how many birthdays I have missed. Steve's, mine…yours", he explained sadly.

"You're here now. That's what matters", I assured him gently rubbing his arm. "We can have a party for you next year. How old will you be?"

"100", he replied and my eyes widened.

"A big one. You know if we lived in England you'd be getting a birthday card from the Queen", I nudged him and he smiled briefly.

"It doesn't bother you, that I'm so old", he asked.

"No, I guess I'm just in to older guys", I replied. "Except for when you drone on about how music was so much better in the olden days". I rolled my eyes and then smiled so he knew that I was teasing.

"So much sass from such a little thing", he told me and slipped his arm around my waist pulling me closer slightly.

"It's ok, I don't think they're watching", I pointed out.

"Sam looks at me like he wants to kill me and I don't want Natasha thinking I'm going soft", he smiled and dropped a little kiss on the top of my head.

I knew how embarrassed he got about displays of affection in front of the others, always feeling like he was being judged. He was usually at pains to keep a distance between us. I didn't mind most of the time, I understood. Besides when we were alone he was becoming more and more attentive. Except when he was looking out for me. The evening after I spent the night in Bucky's bed, he came home with me. I expected that he would be ok with sharing my bed and we'd snuggle and do the things that couples do but he hadn't. I had turned down the offer of having a SHIELD security detail outside of my house and told Bucky I had wanted just him. He told me he couldn't keep me safe and sleep beside me at the same time so I had gone to bed alone, slamming the bedroom door as I went and Bucky had stayed on the couch. I had learned my lesson and most evenings I agreed to agents watching the house. Thankfully Rollins hadn't shown up, he'd disappeared and I was convinced that he wouldn't reappear. Soon this would all blow over and all I had to worry about was Bucky going on missions for SHEILD.

The sky lit up with color as the fireworks started and I snuggled even closer to Bucky. A year ago he was a terrifying piece of weapons tech and I wouldn't have even dared to dream that I would ever be this close him. But now he was everything to me and I loved him. Even though he had never admitted it, I felt sure that he felt the same. I felt it in the way he smiled at me, the way he brushed the hair out of my eyes in the morning and the way he touched me reverently at night, never rushing always gentle.

As the displays petered off, Natasha wandered over to where we were sat. Self-consciously Bucky removed himself from me and I did my best not to let it bother me.

"Any more beer?" She asked, Bucky.

"In the apartment, I'll go get it", he said getting up. "You need anything?" He asked me.

"A blanket?" I asked and he nodded and disappeared through the door.

"Is he alright?" She asked me and I nodded in reply.

"Seems pretty quiet", Natasha said sitting cross legged on the gravel.

"I guess birthdays are just another reminder of all he's missed", I explained.

"How are things between you?"

"Good".

"It's nice he has someone", Natasha told me and it felt genuine.

"Do you have someone?" I asked her feeling we were having a nice female bonding moment.

"Oh, I dispense relationship advice to spies and assassins, I don't necessarily take it", she laughed.

"What about that guy, you know, the one with the arrows?" His name was on the tip of my tongue, I just couldn't recall it. Steve had mentioned it to me once. Natasha smiled but ambiguously didn't answer.

"I always knew you were important to him. From that night I found him in your hotel room", she continued ignoring my question.

"You pointed a gun at him".

"He shot me once, I wasn't taking any chances", she shrugged. "He would do anything for you. That's quite a power you have there".

"I feel guilty because it's like he feels responsible for me. I don't want him to feel like he's always saving me", I confessed suddenly.

"The way I understand it, is you've helped save him", Natasha pointed out.

I didn't have time to mull it over because Bucky returned through the roof door with some more beers and a blanket slung over his arm. He passed the beers to Natasha who took them with her over to the others, offering Sam one. Bucky knelt beside me and wrapped the blanket around my shoulders but he didn't sit beside me. He went over to the others and bumped beer bottles with them. Being sociable. He cast a concerned look over to me but I just smiled proudly. He had come so far.

With the displays over we withdrew inside. Natasha and Sam said their goodbyes and I yawned in tiredness.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" Bucky asked. I replied with another yawn.

"Why don't you stay here", Steve offered.

"Are you sure you don't mind?" I asked. Bucky looked a little uncomfortable with the idea but I knew he'd be happier with me here. In the same apartment as two souped up soldiers.

"Of course. I'm 97, I'm a modern man", he said, his hands on his hips but he was blushing. I smiled in thank you and Bucky nodded to him before gently nudging me to his room.

He closed the door behind us and I flopped down on the bed exhausted. Bucky undressed, leaving only his boxers on, he pulled his hair out of his band and it fell forwards as he leaned over me on the bed. I smiled and quietly tucked it behind his ears.

"I remember the first time you did that", he whispered. "No one had touched me so gently before".

"Bucky", I said sadly.

"Ssh", he hushed me. He began to undo the zip on my shorts. "May I?" He asked, ever the gentleman.

"You may Sergeant Barnes" I agreed and allowed him to remove the navy linen shorts I had on. His hands slid up my waist pushing the tank I had on off, he raised me off the bed as he pulled it over and off me. He carefully laid me back down on to the mattress and kissed me on the lips. Like always it began slow and tender until it deepened and need and want took control. Bucky always withdrew first, like he was afraid he'd do something to hurt me. I was disappointed when his lips left mine but it didn't last long, he trailed little soft kisses along my throat. I noticed that this was something he liked to do, I wondered if it was because I told him about the dreams I had where his hand crushed my neck and subconsciously this was his way of countering them. He dragged his lips further down, a flurry of kisses on the curves of my breasts, I could feel the roughness of his stubble and delighted in the sensation; he slid the straps of my bra down past my shoulders and with fumbling fingers unhooked the claps, tugging the bra off altogether. He knew I would try and cover myself and so he caught my wrists in his metal hand, pinning them above my head, gently but firmly. I caught him licking his lips and then biting his lower one, I felt his hardness pressed against my belly and I wondered if this would be the night he wouldn't stop. I arched in to him and he kissed me again.

"Please", I sighed into his mouth. I didn't even know what I was pleading for, I just wanted it. His free hand roamed all over my waist and breasts, cupping them and feeling the weight of them in his palm. By the time his lips met their peaks I was like putty in his hands. Bucky released my wrists and my fingers instantly wound themselves into his hair as his kisses trailed further and further south until his lips were upon the most intimate of places. He didn't move them until my pleasure was complete. He pulled me with him to the side, taking me into his arms. I was pressed up against him and could still feel _him. _I looked up at him and my hand moved between us, I slipped my hand inside his boxers and he jumped.

"Lucy", he hissed. His hand covered mine. "You don't have to do that".

"Don't you like me touching you?" I asked hurt.

"I shouldn't. I don't deserve it".

"Yes you do. Show me how, show me how you like to be touched", I sighed. He hesitated and then curved his hand around mine and we moved together. He buried his head into my neck and he came quietly, his teeth scraping against the skin of my collar bone, breaking the skin.

"I'm sorry", he apologised quietly horrified at the mark it left. "I didn't mean to do that".

"It's alright", I assured him, kissing his cheek. He was blushing and his eyes were wet. "Oh James, it's alright".

He looked utterly ashamed of himself and looking like a lost little boy he sought comfort in my arms. I held his head against my neck and stroked my fingers through his hair.

In the morning, the light pooled in the bedroom from the half open drapes. I rolled over in the huge bed that was suddenly empty. On the nightstand was a cup of coffee that had gone cold and a note.

_Called in on a mission. I'll see you soon. B x ps. Merriweather's keeping tabs on you._

My heart sank with worry.


	18. Chapter 18

One of the agents from the protection team picked me up from Steve and Bucky's and dropped me off at the lab. I was feeling cranky and worried and barely spoke to Martha and Sammy as we checked through security.

It was hard concentrating at work and not knowing where Bucky was, waking up alone this morning I was heartbroken he hadn't woke me to say goodbye. I just hoped wherever they were they were safe. The morning passed like a blur. I didn't even remember what I ate for lunch. There was only four of us in the lab today and we were all quietly working on our projects when I heard loud bangs coming from the floor below.

"Did you hear that?" Sammy asked as she rose from her stool quickly.

"I did", Dr Baker conferred and dropped his glasses on to the desk, also rising from his seat.

"What's happening?" Martha, another of the researchers asked, visibly alarmed.

"I don't know", I shook my head.

_Bang. Bang. Bang._

An icy chill snaked down my spine. Gunshots.

"Lock us down", Doctor Baker ordered. "Seal the lab". I stood frozen to the spot as Sammy rushed past me to wall where the emergency lock down button was situated.

It was too late, just before she got there her fingers seconds from making contact with the glass panel that held the emergency lock down button, a bigger gloved hand covered it.

"I wouldn't do that", a man's voice advised darkly. He was dressed all in black gear with a tactical helmet and mask, heavily armed. He was quickly followed by three others. There weapons pointed as us.

"Who are you? What do you want?" Dr Baker asked the man that had spoken.

"Put your hands on your heads. Move to the center of the room", he ordered again, motioning the way in which we should move with his gun.

"Oh my God" Martha whispered afraid, as we watched Sammy being roughly shoved into the middle of the room with the rest of us.

"Hands on your head!" One of the masked men shouted at me. My hands shook as I did as I was told. My heart was beating so fast, I felt sick to my stomach with fear.

"What's going on here?" Dr Baker pressed them again.

"Shut your mouth old man!" Another one shouted.

We all knew who they were, we didn't need any confirmation. They were HYDRA. And they were here in our lab.

There were more shots fired downstairs. I saw the faces of the security guards that we greeted every morning in my mind. The fact that we were being held at gunpoint in the room meant a sorry end for them. Tears threatened to fall from my eyes. I bit the inside of my cheek to distract me. Another man entered the room; he nodded his head to the others.

"Buildings ours", he told them and I realised I knew that voice. All the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. He removed his helmet and his mask. He looked at me first, brushing the hair off his face. He actually had the arrogance to smile at me.

"Lucy King", Rollins greeted me. I felt the eyes of my colleagues fall on me.

"What do you want?" I asked in a quiet, shaky voice.

"Will someone tell me what the hell is going on here?" Dr Baker boomed.

"Do you want to explain Lucy or shall I?" Rollins asked smoothly.

"What? Do you know him?" Sammy asked shocked. I knew what she was thinking, that I was HYDRA.

"Why are you here?" I asked him.

"Acquisitions", Rollins replied, he removed his gloves and dropped them on my desk.

"This is a research lab for YuTell", Martha said.

"No this is a SHIELD lab", he replied.

"We're not SHIELD", I told him emphatically. The way he thought I believed I knew why they were here disturbed me. Every lab was at risk of HYDRA attacks, they usually came for the technology we held, newly developed weapons or even the scientists themselves. It was rumoured that HYDRA had a way of _persuading_ important scientists that were loyal to SHIELD to join them. _To comply._ But he had alluded that I knew why they were here.

"There's no point lying. We've had this lab under surveillance for months."

"Then your intel is wrong", Dr Baker said boldly.

"There's no point repeating your bullshit lie. We know who you are just as you know who we are". Rollins said circling him.

"No, we work for YuTell!" Dr Baker continued. Rollins suddenly struck Dr Baker on the back of the head with his pistol and we all gasped in horror as he crumpled to the floor.

Martha began to tremble and she looked at me terrified as tears rolled down her cheeks.

"This is a SHIELD lab, ladies and if you continue to lie to me you are only going to make matters worse".

"We work…we work for YuTell", I told him in a quiet, shaking voice, continuing the lie. "This is not SHIELD, I am not SHIELD. Not anymore".

"Oh you weren't SHIELD before. You were one of us", he smiled and caught the shocked and accusatory looks that Martha and Sammy threw me. "I don't have the time for this", he stood behind me. "I want Fogal's flash drive", Rollins whispered in my ear.

My blood ran cold. So that's why they were here.

"I don't…I don't know what you're talking about", I replied.

"Yes you do, The Asset gave it to you", Rollins assured me. He slipped his arm across the front of my shoulders holding me still.

"I…I haven't seen The Asset in months", I lied.

Without warning he fired his gun. We all screamed and I dropped my hands instinctively, tugging at his arm as I tried to pull him off me. Martha cried out in agony as blood formed a rapidly increasing crimson stain on her white lab coat. He had shot her in the shoulder.

"I want the flash drive", he repeated calmly.

"I don't have it", I sniffed, my face wet with terrified tears.

"Wrong answer", he told me and aimed the gun again. He pulled the trigger and shot Martha right between the eyes, she fell to the ground and it the lab floor with a thud. There was a moments silence and then Sammy screamed.

"See what happens when you're not helpful. Give me the flash drive", Rollins demanded coolly. I couldn't speak, I was in shock. I couldn't tear my eyes off Martha lying on the floor, lifeless. "The Flash drive Lucy?" he pushed and aimed his gun again, this time at Sammy.

"No!" I cried. "I'll give it to you, just don't". But Rollins didn't drop his aim. "Please!" I begged.

"I knew you'd help out", he said amicably and lowered his gun. "Where is it?"

"Not here. In another part of the building", I admitted. He motioned for the other HYDRA members to start looking around. "They won't find it. You need me. I'll get it for you", I told him. "But only if you don't hurt anyone else".

Rollins didn't reply, he grabbed my arm and twisted it behind my back, using it to direct me out of the room.

"Stay here, watch the girl and the old man", he ordered the others. "Where to Lucy?"

"Fifth floor", I answered and he pushed me out of the lab and into an elevator.

"I thought you were in jail", I asked as we rode the elevator upwards. I looked towards the security cameras. The light was off, they had cut the feed. If the guards hadn't time to alert SHIELD, no one would know what was happening. No one was coming to help us.

"Hail HYDRA", he replied simply and twisted my arm further directing me out of the elevator and into the hallway as we hit the fifth floor.

We reached the door to my lab and I let us inside.

"Nice lab", he commented. "It looks a little more comfortable than the last one. Where is it?"

"In a safe", I croaked.

"So open it".

"How were you sure I had it?"

"HYDRA has been watching The Asset for some time. When I got back I was a little surprised to see that you were still in the picture". He said. I didn't reply and dutifully opened the safe for him. "You were terrified of him".

"You should be too", I said quietly.

"I didn't think he had it in him to make friends. He's lethal. Out there in the field, man it was something else. Never seen anything like it. No mercy. No remorse", Rollins was goading me I could tell. "People would beg for their lives but he didn't care, he felt nothing, he was a stone cold killer".

"Why do you want it?" I asked, holding it in my hand, reluctant to let it go. Bucky had trusted me with the flash drive, wouldn't allow anyone else to look at and here I was handing it over to the enemy.

"Repayment", he replied.

"Someone busted you out of jail to get a flash drive? You know it's just blueprints right. There's nothing on this that HYDRA hasn't already got", I pushed.

"The Asset's a weapon. A malfunctioning billion dollar, highly effective weapon and HYDRA wants it back", Rollins explained taking the flash drive from my hand.

"Well I don't think he wants his old job back", I spat.

"Doesn't matter what The Asset wants, doesn't get a choice once we re-program him again".

Something clicked in my brain. _PRGRM_. The locked file. It had to be the method they used to brainwash Bucky.

"You can't bring him to heel without the file the on there can you?" I asked disgusted.

"Only Zola and Fogal knew how".

"So you have the file. You don't have The Asset, isn't one useless to you without the other?" I pointed out.

"Oh he'll come, once he knows we have you. HYDRA didn't realise how valuable you were when they tried to off you the first time. Not until I explained how we could use you to recoup The Asset", Rollins explained, his face smug and self-satisfied. He gestured with a nod of the head to the phone on the counter. "Go on now, call him, let him know you have company".

I turned around to lift the receiver with a shaking hand and that's when I saw it laying innocuously beside the phone. A small, thin, dainty screwdriver; a tool of my trade. Pointy and sharp.

There was no way I was sending James back to that life, back to be tortured and brainwashed and forced to do the bidding of others. _I saw his face, smiling and warm around the breakfast bar at his and Steve's apartment, how he jokes with him and how important they are to each other. They are brothers. HYDRA took that from him. I feel the warmth of his body against mine as he reaches up behind me to get the cereal from the top shelf because he sees me on my tiptoes struggling to reach for it. How he kisses my forehead,that conveys all the tenderness in the world._ _I see his confidence returned and how far he has come. And they want to take that away._ They want to take away the parts that make him human and turn him in to a weapon again.

I would sooner die than let that happen. Without thinking about what I was doing I discreetly picked the screwdriver up in my hand. I glanced back to Rollins, he had lowered his gun and was pocketing the flash drive. _Distracted._ I held the screwdriver tightly in my hand like a knife and spun around quickly, driving the pointed end as hard as I could into whatever part of his body I could find, which happened to be his forearm. He hissed in pain and dropped his gun. Instinctively I kicked the gun away from him and it scooted under the work table.

"Bitch!" he spat and grabbed the back the neck and pushed me forwards on to the table, sending equipment clattering to the floor. My face hit the surface hard and I felt dizzy and sick. Rollins let me drop to the floor. I was disorientated but not out. The pain reverberated inside my head.

"Stupid bitch!" He snapped again. I looked up, Rollins was clutching at his arm which still had four inches of screwdriver stuck through it. I felt blood trickle out of my nose. I scrambled to get up and Rollins kicked me hard in the stomach, I doubled up in pain. He was above me then, his body astride mine, pinning me down with his weight as I tried to wriggle out. Suddenly his hand wrapped itself around my neck and he squeezed. I couldn't breathe. My nightmares had become reality but it wasn't James that was responsible. I couldn't wake up from this and no one was coming to save me. If this was it and I was going to die, I wasn't going out without a fight. My hands flailed wildly on the floor either side of me. My fingertips felt the metal of his gun I had kicked it under the work bench. I grasped to reach it and with the last shred of energy I had I picked it up, aiming it diagonally upwards. I'd either hit him or me but it didn't matter, if I didn't pull the trigger I'd be dead anyway.

_Bang!_

The hand at my neck loosened. I had hit him in the arm. He recoiled but then seeing the gun he lurched forwards trying to grab it.

I pulled the trigger again and this time I hit him just at the base of his neck. He fell forwards on to me, covering me in his warm sticky blood. I panicked and cried out utterly horrified. Something inside me knew I had to move. The other HYDRA operatives would have heard the commotion and would have gone to investigate. I pushed him off me with all that I had. He fell to the side, making a sickening noise that was half groan and half gargling his own blood. I coughed and spluttered, my throat burned. I scrambled to my feet, slipping in the pool of expanding redness surrounding us and I ran towards the door, the gun still in my shaking hand. I stumbled my way down the hallways, trying doors, willing one to open. I had to get help, Sammy and Dr Baker were still being held but I didn't know what to do. I wasn't an agent. I wasn't trained for this. I was an electrical engineer. And I was tired. I was so, so tired. I tried the last door on the hallway. Mercifully it opened and I fell inside. To my utter joy it was a drop room and it was filled with communications tech. I picked up a SAT Phone, the battery was dead. Damn! I pulled an entire shelf of them down around me as I began to feel sleepy. The next one I picked up was half juiced. I dialled the number that was ingrained my brain. The phone rings four times and then clicked, it was answered.

"Code in please".

"Jupiter", I replied breathless. Jupiter was my assigned code to check in to the SHIELD protection team. "Please, help". I say ignoring all other protocol procedure.

"Do you require assistance?" The calm voice asked.

"YuTell Communications. HYDRA is here. HYDRA is here", I breathed.

"Lucy?" The voice prompts.

"I'm tired", I said, checking out. And I was, I could feel myself slipping under. I closed my eyes and gave in to it.


	19. Chapter 19

_**Thanks for all the reviews. It's really lovely to hear you guys are enjoying it.**_

"Well I am looking forward to getting back to my holiday weekend", Wilson said as he unclipped the seat harness now we were safely back in the air.

The Quinjet was transporting them all back to DC. _Home._ I couldn't stop my mind to flashing back to the early hours of the morning. Lucy was lying beside me, one arm tucked under the pillow where she rested her head and the other flat under her cheek. She was sleeping soundly. No more nightmares. She looked content and peaceful. Beautiful. I itched to get back. She'd be in the lab now, forgoing one day of the holiday weekend for the sake of SHIELD. I wanted to take her home, watch her pad around her house barefoot, holding a cup of coffee, in the pyjamas that were too long for her and feel her settle her body next to mine on the couch and relax. And when it was late, I'd let her think she was coaxing me in to her bed with her coy smiles and big brown eyes when really I don't need any persuasion at all. I used to be afraid of how much she wanted me, afraid that I'd taint her with the darkness of my past but instead she was a beacon of light chasing the darkness away. I'd never be clean but watching her respond the way she does to my touch, breathless sighs and flushed cheeks, makes me feel good. It makes me feel alive again.

"Hardly worth the effort calling us in", Wilson continued, interrupting my reverie. "Couple of agents, that's all it would have taken. No need for the big guns".

"You're considering yourself a big gun now Falcon?" Natasha called from the cockpit.

"Hey, who of us here can fly?" He replied.

"With the aid of a jetpack", she pointed out.

"Don't matter, I got wings".

"You're right though, intel made it sound worse than it worse. It's not usually wrong", Steve joined in.

I agreed the mission was far too easy. We were called in to end a hostage situation. HYDRA had kidnapped a commanding officer of a unit of marines that were tasked with taking on HYDRA. They had taken him to a warehouse further down the east coast, when we got to the warehouse it was poorly defended whatever personnel SHIELD's intelligence had reported were long gone. There was a small fire fight that was over before it even began and then the hostage was recovered in a matter of moments. It was an insult to their skills and abilities that they were even sent in. A couple of agents would have handled it. Hell, Wilson could have done the whole rescue himself. Not a job for a super spy, a super soldier and an assassin.

We landed back at the base and as the jet's cargo door lowered I could see a rush of activity on the ground outside. Battle dressed agents getting into the back of the last black SUV of a motorcade that was careering out of the base.

"Someone's in a hurry", Natasha remarked as we made our way across the asphalt. "What's happening?" She asked one of the guards.

"HYDRA's hit a lab downtown". I stopped dead in my tracks at his words. A dark cloud of dread and fear engulfed me. Steve looked at me worried.

"Where?" I demanded. My voice darker than I intended.

"Communications lab, that's all I know", the guard replied defensively. I didn't wait; I tore off towards one of the parked SUV's and jumped in. I was about to speed off when the passenger door opened and Steve got in. He nodded at me and I hit the pedal and drove off the base, tyres screeching.

"You think it's Rollins?" Steve asked.

"Yes".

"We don't know she's in any danger", Steve said reasonably.

"She is. The second she let me into her life she was in danger", I replied tersely.

"The mission. It was too easy, you said it yourself. He's not stupid; he knows I'd look out for her, that we all do. The mission was a distraction", I told him, my hands gripping the wheel tightly. Steve didn't argue, he nodded and looked straight ahead. He agreed.

"This isn't your fault", he said at length.

"I made her a target!" I shouted. "I should have left her alone".

"If you did that she'd already be dead", Steve pointed out calmly. "Lucy is a grown woman, she makes her own choices. You can't decide how she feels and what she wants". He was right.

We sped through the city until we made it to a road closure. SHIELD had cordoned off the area and the black SUV's were parked along the street, people were putting on kit and checking building blueprints. I didn't have any time for that. I jumped out of the car with Steve in tow and I was stopped at the line.

"Hey, this is a protection team issue, you've no authorization to be here", the female agent informed me. I was too angry to acknowledge her and walked under the tape.

"Hey!" She called again and aimed her sidearm at us.

"Oh I'd let him through agent", Tasha's voice came from behind us where she was exiting her car with Sam.

"Agent Romanoff", the woman addressed Tasha. "No one has requested the presence of the response unit".

"This is personal", she clarified and they followed Steve and I under the tape.

As we approached the lab for the first time, in a long while, I felt _fear_. Not for myself but for how I would find Lucy.


	20. Chapter 20

When I woke the first thing I was aware of was the burning pain in my throat and the pounding in my head. When I opened my eyes I remembered where I was. I tried to move but it hurt. I winced in pain. My stomach felt bruised. _Oh my God_, I couldn't believe it was real. Rollin's gun was at my side. Did I kill him? I wanted to stop him, I wanted to get away but had I really wanted to kill him? I heard the gun go off in my mind and I felt the weight of his body and the feel of his blood spatter over me. My stomach churned. Without further warning I vomited on the floor beside me. It stung my throat and I couldn't stop myself from crying in pain. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and I saw that my sleeve was speckled red with Rollin's blood. I quelled the panic I felt rising because pressingly I could hear the unmistakable sound of footsteps making their way slowly down the hallway.

I'd tried every door on this floor, smearing blood as I went and that trail stopped when this door opened. They'd know I was in here. I glanced around the room desperately. They were coming and I had to hide. I shuffled backwards along the floor with my butt and hands, the gun in my lap, to behind the shelving stacks. There was nowhere I could escape to. I was trapped. I stood up woozily and staggered to the last shelving stack at the back of the room, clutching at my sore stomach. I crouched down beside it and made myself as small as I could in the corner. With the gun in my hand, I closed my eyes and I prayed that whoever it was wouldn't see me.

The door handle twisted open and I stopped breathing. They stepped inside and I heard them slowly walk around the room. The sound of my own blood pumping loudly filled my already throbbing head. I bit my lip so hard I drew blood. Suddenly, I heard the door click shut and then nothing. No footsteps. No breathing. I could only hear my own heartbeat.

I had no control of the terrified and confused sob that escaped me. I pressed my hand over my mouth to quieten myself.

"Lucy?" The voice whispered breaking the silent tension of the room. And another sob tore from me. A cry of relief because I knew that husky female voice.

"Na..." I swallowed painfully. "Natasha?" I croaked and it hurt. It hurt to speak.

Slowly I grappled with the side of the stack and pulled myself up. I cautiously crept out of my hiding place; the gun held awkwardly out in front of me, I had no idea how to hold it.

She was standing by the door and dropped her aim the second I stepped into view. I staggered towards her, breaking into uncontrollable sobs and let Rollin's gun drop to my side. Natasha held her finger to her lips to quieten me and then took the gun out of my hand. She motioned to the door and I knew she meant that someone was outside. With a nod she gestured for me to stand in the corner by the door. With the wave of a hand she bid me to crouch down which I did. Natasha stood in front of me and when the door opened and a black clad arm stretched in to the room she grabbed hold of it, twisted her body and threw them to the floor. When they tried to get up she slammed their head into the wall and they slumped forwards unconscious.

"I have her", she said in to the comms device at her wrist. I sagged against the wall in relief. I wanted to throw myself at her feet, I wanted to throw my arms around her but I doubted she would appreciate that. Natasha helped me up, assessed the bruise that was no doubt circling my neck and looked me over. "Is this your blood?"

"Rollins", I rasped and winced. "I shot him", I was awash with guilt for a man I hated.

"_You shot him?" _Natasha looked sceptical. I nodded. My throat stung so much. Fresh tears spilled forth. "The others, you have to help the others!"

"On it, let's get you out of here. Can you walk?"

"Yes", I whispered.

"I'm taking you to the roof, Sam will meet us there".

"Bucky?" I croaked. I so desperately wanted to see him.

"He's here", she replied and checked the rounds in her gun. "Ready?" I nodded.

Natasha led the way into the hallway. The lights were flickering, someone must have hit the cables and I thought ridiculously I'll have to fix those. I followed her as closely as possible; we came to the end of the hallway and headed for the stairwell. A HYDRA operative came through the doors and Natasha shoved me to the ground on the opposite side of the hallway. I buried my head in my hands as a flurry of bullets flew over me.

"The stairwell, GO!" Natasha shouted. As she fired her gun, pinning them down as I ran to the exit.

I pulled open the door and ran in the darkness of the stairwell to the roof, missing steps as I went, almost tumbling down. I ran through the pain and exhaustion and the noise of the bullets from the floor below. When I made it to the roof exit door it never occurred to me to open it cautiously, instead I punched at the bar handle and flung it open with all I had and propelled myself forwards. I went down on my hands and knees onto the gravel, adding cuts and scrapes to my list of injuries. I stood up and brushed myself off and I heard the crunching of gravel from behind me.

"Sam?" I called out and turned around. It wasn't him. The black uniformed figure aimed his weapon and I ran for the cover of a large air conditioning unit. Bullets whizzing past me and then pinging against the metal of the unit.

They kept firing and then suddenly as the bullets started, they stopped. It was quiet again. I tried to catch my breath and slowly inched my way along the unit, my back pressed against it. _Where was Sam?_ I came to the edge of the unit and peered nervously around it. There was no one there. I sighed and as I made to move around the corner a gloved hand smothered my mouth and I was pulled backwards. My screams muffled against the hand. They grabbed hold of me with their other arm and spun me around, pushing me up against the metal of a large air conditioning unit. I struggled until I saw the sunlight bounce off the metal of his arm.

_Bucky._ It was Bucky. He waited until I calmed down before he removed his hand from my mouth and then ran over my tender forehead with his fingers; I hissed a little as it was sore. His face was dark with fury. He opened his mouth, about to say something but was interrupted by the arrival of an enemy agent. The man fired and Bucky's arm deflected the bullet. Bucky didn't blink as he discharged his gun into him and he went down instantly with one shot.

Another HYDRA agent came up behind him and knocked Bucky's weapon out of his hand but he didn't miss a beat, he pulled a knife from a pocket on his sleeve and fought the HYDRA operative hand to hand, ducking and weaving; attacking and blocking with his prosthetic arm like a perfectly choreographed deadly dance until he twisted the man's arm behind his back, snapping it in the process and plunged the knife into his torso below where his tactical vest ended. He let the man drop to the gravel with a thud. The reality of Bucky's work.

His face was cold, unreadable and then he glanced up and saw me shaking and panting with fear.

Bucky closed the space between us in a few quick strides. He didn't speak; he just pulled me into his arms and pressed me in to his embrace. I allowed myself to cry into his chest but I didn't hold him back, my arms were hanging limply at my sides. I felt his lips brush against the top of my head and he was speaking to me but I didn't hear what he was saying. I felt like I was going under again. Somewhere up ahead I heard the loud chopping blades of a helicopter and felt the whoosh of air that accompanied it, blowing the gravel around on the roof top, dashing it around my ankles.

Then suddenly we were being pulled apart, faces I recognised from the protection team came into view. Agent Merriweather was there, he wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and I saw Sam running towards me. He placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder. People were asking me questions but I couldn't understand them, I couldn't speak. And then I was being pulled away, I held on to Bucky's hand not wanting to let go. I didn't want to leave him. I wanted to be with him. I felt safe in his arms.

"...helicopter to the hospital", Agent Merriweather's voice broke through the fog in my head.

"No", I shook my head. "No".

"You're hurt", Sam told me gently. Bucky let go of my hand and smiled sadly.

"No", I replied but I didn't fight them as they ushered me into the helicopter. I kept glancing back to Bucky, he stood quietly, unmoving as he watched me go and suddenly we were in the air and the people on the roof became smaller and smaller. And Bucky was gone.


	21. Chapter 21

_Mmmmm. Mmm. Mmm._

The noise penetrated the dreamless sleep. Someone was humming.

_Mm. Mmmmm. Mmm._

I opened my eyes a couple of times, everything was blurry but I saw blue shapes. And horizontal blinds.

My mouth was dry. I felt something pinching my finger on my right hand. And my head really, really hurt.

"Ow", I croaked and lifted my arm to touch my forehead but it was attached to some tubing. I was on a drip.

And there was a giant clip on my finger. I looked at my hand confused. In the background I could make out a shape sitting next to where I was laying. My eyes tried to focus on who it was.

"Hey", the shape spoke.

"Sam?" I croaked.

"It's me", he replied, congenially.

"Where am I?"

"The hospital", he jumped out of his chair when he saw me trying to tug off the offending clip. "Whoa, whoa, leave that on". He repositioned it on my finger.

"It pinches", I complained.

"I'll call a nurse". He leaned over and pressed the call button above my head.

"Where's Bucky?" I asked. My heart sank to see he wasn't in the room with me. I wanted him.

"With Steve. He had to take a walk", Sam said seriously as he sat back down in the chair beside my bed. He reached out and squeezed my hand reassuringly. "Man, I've spent a lot of time sitting next to unconscious people in this hospital". He remarked.

"Thank you", I squeezed my friends hand back tightly.

The nurse came into the room and smiled warmly at me.

"Good morning, Miss King. How are you feeling?" She asked me. Her name tag read Claire.

"Sore, thirsty. Water?" I asked. Claire, smiled again but shook her head sadly.

"I'm afraid your nil by mouth, that's why you're on a glucose drip".

"Am I ok? When can I go home?" I asked anxiously, my voice rasped.

"You should try and rest your voice. The doctor will be in to see you shortly. You've been here since early evening yesterday. You have concussion, external bruising to your neck, the CT scan didn't show any laryngeal fractures but the Doctor decided to keep you nil by mouth. You have abdominal bruising but luckily no internal bleeding. You have bruising and swelling around your eyes but no broken nose. All things considered you've been lucky Miss King."

Lucky. I guess I was. I was still breathing. I thought about Martha lifeless body and my stomach lurched in horror. It was all my fault. I was responsible for her death, I may not have pulled the trigger but her blood was on my hands. I closed my eyes and suddenly I was in my lab again, Rollin's arm around my neck and then I felt the gun go off in my hand. His blood all over me. I held my palms out in front of me, they had been cleaned. I had killed him, taken his life. Everything that he had done, everything he would have done, I ended it when I pulled the trigger. I took a life. The guilt began to overwhelm me. The Doctor walked through the doors and pulled me back into the room; I tried to bury the rising panic inside and attempted to focus as he showed me my CT scan results, told me I shouldn't talk, to rest my voice. He told me I wouldn't be discharged any time soon. When I brought up insurance I was told my employer was footing the bill and not to worry. He told me the pulse oximeter was definitely staying on my finger but I'd be taken off the drip and was allowed a sip of water. Claire carefully propped me up in the bed with pillows and passed me a plastic beaker of water. It hurt to swallow initially but the cool water was so soothing as it passed down my throat. The doctor and nurse satisfied I was feeling a little better left the room and I let my tears fall silently with Sam as their only witness. He leaned forward and gently squeezed my shoulder. I wanted Bucky. _Where was he?_

"Do you need me to call your parents?" Sam asked. I shook my head. "Not even your mom?" I got upset again. Of course I wanted my mom. But I didn't want her to worry, which she would. She didn't have a clue about this. About what I did. "You don't want to explain to her right?" I nodded again. "I understand".

"How's the patient?" Steve's warm, congenial voice filled the room, I looked up to see him filling the doorway with his large reassuring frame, he was holding a balloon. I smiled and raised my hand. He stepped inside and behind him Bucky hovered, sheepishly.

"Bucky", I croaked, desperately trying not to cry. He looked up and the pain and guilt that was written all over his face broke my heart. He didn't reply, he couldn't even look me in the eyes. Bucky leant against the wall, his arms folded and looked at the floor. The room was awkwardly silent for a moment and then Steve stepped towards me.

"This is from Natasha", Steve dropped the balloon weight by the bed and I watched as the metallic oval rose to the ceiling; _Get Well Soon_ it read. "She's proud of you. We all are".

"How...", I swallowed and grimaced. "How's Dr Baker and Sammy?" I asked, my eyes were wide in worry.

"They're fine. They're with their families. Thanks to you", Steve replied.

"No. Martha, she's dead because of me", I croaked tearfully.

"That isn't on you, that's all Rollins", he assured me.

"I didn't mean to kill him. Oh God. I didn't mean to. I can't...I can't. Oh God" I choked out and began to sob.

"You didn't", Bucky said and stepped towards the bed. "You didn't kill him".

"I did", I protested, trying to ignore the pain every time I spoke.

"No. You didn't", Bucky reaffirmed earnestly.

"I don't understand...I..."

"She isn't supposed to be talking man, this isn't helping", Sam interrupted me and shot Bucky a concerned look.

"She doesn't need to talk. She just needs to listen". Bucky stood at the foot of my bed and for the first time since he entered the room, our eyes met. "You didn't kill Rollins. When I got to the lab, he was alive. He'd pulled himself up and was propped up against the wall. He was holding his throat together with his hand. I looked right into his eyes and I shot him in the head. I killed Rollins, Lucy, you didn't do that. You didn't kill anyone".

"You promise me?" I asked breathless.

"I promise", he replied. And I believed him.

I closed my eyes and tried to compose myself. But I felt the awful heaviness that had been inside of me dissipate. I felt, _relieved_. It was stupid because Rollins was a despicable man; he'd threatened to destroy Bucky and he'd tried to kill me. When I shot him I had been trying to defend myself from him. No one would have blamed me, no one would have cared that I had taken his life. But I don't know if I could have coped with that.

"Ahem", Steve coughed and I opened my eyes. I saw Steve making a face to Sam. He looked back confused and then it was like a light had been turned on.

"We have to go, Steve and I...we have that thing we have to go to", Sam said and rose from the chair by my bed.

"Yes that thing", Steve clarified and then patted my hand on the bed. "See you later Lucy".

"Later Lucy", Sam dropped me an affectionate kiss on the forehead and followed Steve out of the room.

Bucky and I were alone.


	22. Chapter 22

Lucy watched me expectantly but I didn't know what to say to her. What could I say to her to make it all better?

"Are you alright?" Lucy asked. Her voice was hoarse and I could see that it pained her to speak. Her big brown eyes, surrounded by purple tender skin, swam with fresh tears.

"Don't", I stepped closer to her by the hospital bed. I felt the stab of pain to my heart and the twisting sickness of anger in my stomach. Her body was peppered with bruises and it was my fault but there she was asking if I was ok.

"Bucky, I'm sorry", she apologised. I screwed up my face confused and shook my head.

"What for?" I spat. The words were hard and brittle. Lucy, flinched at the flash of fury. I wasn't angry at her, I was furious at myself, at Rollins and HYDRA. I wanted to eviscerate them. I clenched my fists tight trying to control the urge to leave the room and find something, someone to destroy.

"He came for the flash drive, it has the program to control you; they want you back. They want The Asset back", Lucy was upset, her voice husky. She reached for my hand and I felt her small fingers squeeze anxiously. "They didn't get it did they? I gave it to him, I'm sorry, I didn't want to but I didn't know what else to do. They didn't get it?"

"No, I took it from him", I said quietly removed the flash drive from my pocket and showed it to Lucy. Her shoulders sagged in relief. She reached for it and suddenly hissed and clutched her stomach. I felt sick.

"What did he do to you?" I asked, my voice was low and it belonged to the weapon I once was.

"He kicked me in the stomach. It doesn't matter now", she shrugged dismissively, as if her suffering was of no big deal. I hated it, I hated how she felt like she had to hide her pain from me because she was worried about mine. About how I would react because I was destructive and dangerous.

"It matters Lucy", I told her. "You matter".

"I won't let you punish yourself" She croaked and shook her head.

"And I won't let you protect me from what you're afraid I can't handle". She was quiet for a moment and closed her eyes. When she looked up again her eyelashes were wet with tears.

"I was so scared", she confessed. Fat, hot tears rolled down her cheeks. Pain and anger drowned me.

"I'm sorry" I whispered. My cybernetic hand hesitated above her head, afraid to touch her, unsure if I'd hurt her.

"James", she whispered heartbroken. Metal fingers brushed at the loose chestnut curl that had fallen forwards and pushed it back from her tender forehead. My fingertips traced the contours of her wet cheeks and my thumb ran across the full bottom lip that I desperately wanted to kiss. I turned my hand, my knuckles grazed the soft curve of her jawline and then my fingers moved again as they trailed lower, my fingertips ran lightly down her throat to the vicious purple bruise circling it. My hand, the weapon, curled around the mark; my fingers covering the shapes made by Rollins. It was like I had hurt her after all, just like her nightmares. I felt Lucy swallow and my hand retreated instantly. Her heavy breaths filling the silence of the room.

I remembered the night she asked me to stay with her, I laid down beside her and she rested against me, warm and sleepy and utterly trusting. That night she told me about her nightmare and I told her no one would hurt her. But I had. She had put her trust in me and I had failed her. Every bruise on her body, every mark on her, I was as responsible as Rollins. I had put her in that position. From the moment I knew her name, I'd set us on this course. It was inevitable that she would get hurt. I wanted to protect her from others when I should have protected her from myself. The only way to prevent this happening again was to let her go.

"I have to leave", I told her coolly.

"No", she protested quietly, grabbing hold of the fabric of my jacket. She knew; I could hear it in her voice, she knew everything that I was thinking.

"You need to rest", I gently uncurled her fingers from the material.

"Please don't leave me, Bucky, don't please", Lucy pleaded. I turned my head, I knew if I looked into those eyes once more I would give in and stay.

"I have to", I told her firmly.

"No", she whined and stirred in the bed, trying to sit up.

"Shh, don't upset yourself. You have to rest", I hushed her, gently pushing back down against the pillow. Lucy, draped her arms around my neck, clinging to me. I tried to ignore her grimace of pain at the movement.

"I love you" she whispered against my cheek. I hesitated, it consumed me as much as the first time she said it.

"I know", I replied, carefully untangling myself from her embrace.

"I'll see you tomorrow right?" She asked worried.

I nodded. I couldn't refuse her, no matter how strongly I knew that she was better off without me, I couldn't do it now. Not yet.

I closed the door behind me, sighed deeply and set off along the hospital corridor. I heard Steve's footsteps behind me, catching up. He walked beside me in silence until we were in the privacy of the stairwell.

"Do you want to talk about?" He asked.

"Nope", I replied tersely.

"Why did you lie to her?" Steve asked.

"About what?"

"Rollins. He was dead. Lucy did kill him", he said but there was no judgement in his voice. Steve knew as well as I that Lucy had done nothing wrong in ending his life; she was defending herself. In our eyes it was justified.

"You're a soldier Steve, you've taken lives. You know what that's like on your conscience." Steve, nodded quietly. "I didn't want that for her. I don't want her to carry that guilt, she already blames herself for so much. To take responsibility for Rollins is nothing to me, I've already taken so many lives what's another one?" I explained and shrugged.

"You should tell her", Steve said.

"No ones going to tell her that she killed a man", I rounded on him angrily.

"No Buck, you should tell Lucy that you love her". He patted my arm and then left me on the stairwell.


	23. Chapter 23

_A/N: I have edited the ending of this chapter as I was unsatisfied with how it ended and uploaded again. _

The first thing I did after the cab dropped me home was run myself a bath. I eased myself into the tub, ignoring the twinges of pain from the tenderness of my stomach and sank right into the hot water. I let my head fall back against the porcelain and I sighed deeply. The steam from the hot water filled the quiet room and for the first time in days I began to relax.

I was relieved when the doctor told me I could go home, I was recovering well and as long as I didn't go to a concert or sports game and scream my lungs out my throat would be fine. After four days in that room I was so happy to escape. I had been alone when he gave me the good news, he remarked that he was surprised to find me unattended as I'd always had a small steady stream of visitors, who all seemed to disobey the hospitals visiting times rule. He asked me if I wanted anyone to pick me up and for a moment I did consider calling one of my friends. But I declined. I was beginning to feel like a bit of a burden to them. When you have friends that routinely kick ass and save the world it's kind of hard not to wonder if they might have more important things to do than juggle with grapes to entertain you (_thank you Steve_). Or in Bucky's case sit stoically in the corner whilst I pretended to sleep because I didn't want to hear the words I knew he was going to say to me. So I discharged myself and I came home alone and I hadn't told any of them.

When the bath cooled I hauled myself out and threw on some pink pyjama pants and an old gray t shirt of Bucky's that he had left at my house. I breathed in the scent of him and felt such a longing. I didn't bother drying my hair, the bruises under my eyes were yellowing and I didn't want to spend time in front of a mirror looking at them and remembering how I got them, so I piled the wet mass of waves into a bun on the top of my head. I turned on the radio and moved into my kitchen. I was hungry but eating was still an issue, soft foods for a while but all I craved in hospital was crispy, salty fries. Well I had none of those so I made a stack of pancakes instead and nursed a mug of black coffee for dessert which tasted like heaven to me. It was the first coffee I'd had in days.

Although it was lunch time now and the lounge was bathed in light from the midday sun, I was already beginning to feel tired. Who knew you could get so exhausted from lying in bed for over 72 hours? I stretched out on the couch enjoying the solitude and the warmth on my foot from the ray of sunlight streaming through the window, when the doorbell buzzed. I ignored it but whoever was outside pressed again.

"I know you're in there", I heard Sam shout. I sighed. Guess that solitude was over.

I opened the door and let him inside, he strolled by me and bee lined for the kitchen.

"So you escaped huh?" he remarked pouring himself a coffee from the pot.

"Doctor said I was fine to be discharged", I told him quietly, looking at the floor like a kid that knew they were about to be scolded.

"And you didn't tell anyone?" Sam said, he sat down on one of my kitchen stools and took off his sunglasses.

"I didn't want to bother anyone", I explained. I opened the fridge and pulled out the plate of leftover pancakes. "Hey, you want one?"

"Don't think you can get out of this by bribing me with sweet goods", he said seriously but still took the proffered plate. "Didn't you think it might have been a good idea to let the protection team know you were going home?" He took a bite of one of the pancakes.

_Shit._

"I didn't even consider. Crap", I replied apologetically. "I'd honestly forgotten. I didn't even occur to me, I never even noticed them as I left".

"Agent Lin, was flirting with a nurse at the vending machine as you made your exit. When he got back you were gone, luckily your doctor was still on rotation and explained you'd gone home. He phoned it in. Natasha asked I come by. She's tearing Lin a new one right now".

"She asked you and not Bucky?" I asked, feeling a tiny bit sorry for Agent Lin.

"He's in New York with Steve", He explained casually.

"Business or pleasure?" I pushed, my heart fluttered nervously.

"Bit of both maybe", Sam shrugged. "You look tired".

"I am", I agreed sitting on the stool next to him. "Nice to be home though". I looked around at the familiar surroundings and I felt comforted by them.

"And you're ok being by yourself? Thought you might have gone to Steve and Bucky's".

"No, I'm good I guess. I can't keep relying on them. Or on any of you, I don't want to be any more of a hindrance than I already am".

"No one thinks you're a hindrance. We're just taking care of our own. Look, if you want to move back in with me for a while that's fine, you can have your room back", Sam offered.

"Sam you turned my room into a home gym less that 24 hours after I moved out!" I accused but I was smiling.

"That was all in there before you moved in, I was just reclaiming it", he defended, also warmly.

"Well thanks for the offer but I don't want to see your workout bench displaced again".

"Alright", he smiled and rose from the stool. "Lucy, you might not feel like doing it right away but if you want to talk about what happened to you; you call me, drop by to see me, whatever but you can talk to me, you understand?"

I nodded quietly, I understood. That was what Sam did, he listened, he counselled. I knew he would be there for me both professionally and as a friend and I was grateful for that. He dropped me a little kiss on the top of my head.

"I've got to get back to the base. I better let the team know you're ok. There'll be car outside you know", he explained.

"I figured", I shrugged. I didn't think that would stop anytime soon.

"See you later King", he told me.

"Hey Sam!", I called out as I followed him to the door. "How's Bucky? I mean has he said anything about...this?"

"No. Not to me", Sam replied apologetically.

"In the hospital he would come to see me...he'd just sit there and watch me but he barely spoke..." I trailed off.

"Barnes blames himself, that's pretty clear. The guys not used to having emotions Lucy, he's probably trying to process them. But you need to concentrate on yourself, alright?" Sam advised. I nodded again.

When he left I locked the door and bolted it, double checking everything. Tiredness engulfed me and I slipped into bed. To be in my own bed again was a pleasure I had missed. Within moments I had drifted off.

I slept well and dreamed about my aunt and uncles home in Kailua; my feet on the warm sand and the waves lapping the shore, I could taste the shaved ice on my tongue. When I woke it was dark. I lay still for a few moments in bed until thirst got the better of me and I heaved myself off the mattress. I yawned and padded bleary eyed through the lounge to the kitchen. I hadn't closed the drapes and the streetlights illuminated the room. I gulped down a glass of water and refilled it intending to take it with me back to the bedroom but I almost dropped the glass when I turned and saw a figure sitting at the kitchen table.

It was Bucky.

"I guess I should be used to seeing you in dark corners by now", I told him as I bent down to mop up the water that sloshed out of the glass when he'd startled me. He didn't reply.

"I was discharged this morning", I explained but he still didn't speak and sat motionless on the chair. I took my glass to the table and pulled out a chair opposite him. He was dressed in his tactical gear and looked dirty and sweaty like he used to when he returned back to the vault following a mission. He'd placed his pistol on the table. I supressed a shiver. "You've just finished a job huh?"

_Nothing._

"Sam came over earlier, to check I was ok. I forgot to tell anyone I'd gone home, pretty stupid of me I guess. But I'm ok. Slept a lot. He said you guys were in NYC", I babbled nervously.

Still he said nothing, his eyes regarded me cooly. A chill made it's way down my spine.

"What is it?" I asked, the croak in my voice returned.

"We took out a HYDRA cell", he told me.

"Oh". The room was thick with tension. I swallowed.

"I enjoyed it", Bucky explained, his tone was dispassionate. He licked his lips and locked eyes with me. "I wanted to hurt them". He suddenly leaned forwards, the movement alarmed me, stupidly and instinctively I flinched back in my chair. Bucky smiled wryly.

"I'm not The Winter Soldier anymore Lucy but I wanted to hurt them and I did. Doesn't that disgust you?"

I sat still on the chair, my face unreadable. He was pushing me away, like I knew he would.

"I know who you are. And what you do", I told him and held his gaze. "I've always known but you're not cruel".

"I'm a killer without mercy".

"No, you were. And you were merciless because all emotion was tortured out of you."

"But I enjoyed it...today. You are still afraid of me".

"No I'm not", I scoffed.

"Your heart is racing, your breathing is shallow and those brown eyes are wide as saucers. If your fingers weren't twisting together so tightly, I'd see your hands shake. I know you're scared of me", he called me out and sat back in the chair.

"You're being ridiculous", I scoffed again and got up. I stood next the kitchen counter, my hands braced against the counter top. I had tried to put some distance between us but Bucky followed me, slowly making his way over to where I rested. He stopped only when our bodies touched. He towered above me and placed his hands over mine.

"You're right to be scared", Bucky dropped his head down and whispered in to my ear. I could feel his hot breath on my skin.

"Stop it" I whispered, I replied. "Why are you doing this?" I pleaded and I felt fresh forming tears ready to spill over.

"I was an idiot to think I could have you. To have this life".

"No. No, you're not", I argued as a big, hot tear rolled down my cheek. Bucky's fingers traced the yellowed marks on my face. They lightly skimmed across the finger marks around my throat. His eyes were glassy and full of pain. Embarrassed, I tried to shift away but I had no where else to move to. His hands moved lower, down the sides of my waist until they reached the hemline of the t-shirt I was wearing. Bucky hesitated for a second and then bunched the fabric up in both his fists and carefully lifted it upwards. When he saw the giant purple-black bruise on my stomach, he turned his face away to hide from me the pain and guilt, he didn't want me to witness.

"I should have protected you", he said mournfully.

"Bucky, you gave me the strength to try and protect myself. I didn't want to lose you so I fought back".

"No, I should have protected you from myself", he said quietly.

Bucky sank to his knees on the floor before me and gently placed his lips against the tender skin. The warm soft feel of his lips and the sweetness of the gesture turned my knees to jello and I sagged against the counter. He kissed my stomach again and again. My fingers wound in his dark hair, holding him between my small palms.

"James", I sighed. He pulled away suddenly and rose to his feet. I made a sound of disappointment at the break of contact. Bucky, took hold of my hips and carefully but firmly lifted me up on to the countertop. He settled himself between my thighs. Bucky's hands reached for my face and then pulled away, he bit his bottom lip conflicted. He reached for me again. It was if he was afraid to touch me.

"You won't hurt me", I reassured him and placed my own hand against his battle wearied face. Bucky carefully peeled it away and kissed my palm. And with a brief, almost shy smile, that belied the intensity in his blue eyes; Bucky pulled me closer, placed his lips against mine and kissed me with an urgency that made me breathless.


	24. Chapter 24

I carried her to the bedroom and laid her down gently on her bed, when I removed her t shirt she winced, the movement catching her bruises. I apologized with a small kiss to the muddy-yellow skin that marred her body.

"You can stop me", I told her as I carefully tugged off her pajama pants. "Tell me to stop and I will".

"Is that what you want?" She asked breathily. I smiled wryly in response. Did I want her to? I had come here to push her away. To make her feel disgusted at the thought of my hands, that wretched metal hand that had brought violence and death to so many, touching her. I'd intended that she'd reject me. I wanted her to yell at me, to blame me, to claw at my face with her fingers, scream at me to get away from her. But she didn't even though I'd come to her straight from a mission, sweaty, dirty and bloody. She lay beneath me;breathless, trusting and full of need.

"You know what I want", I told her and kissed her warm, flushed cheek. My cyber arm slid under her ass and then down and across her thigh. I carefully pulled her thighs apart. I kissed my way down her body until my lips were right where I wanted to be.

Lucy moaned and sighed with every movement my tongue made. I was slow and I luxuriated in her. I enjoyed her like this, she was too lost in pleasure for her busy brain to be over thinking, to be worried, to be afraid. She came quietly, like she always did. Unassuming and sweet. Her usual gentle fingers, only forceful, tugging at my hair in climax. She was even more beautiful in bliss, her hair fanned out on the pillow, her cheeks pink and a bloom across her chest. To be so wrapped up in her pleasure spiked my own. I was hard and it was straining painfully against my pants. Lucy pulled at my hair, directing me up her body towards her lips. She kissed me, her hands tender now against my cheeks. One hand moved south and tugged at my jacket. She was trying to unfasten it, her lips reluctant to break contact with mine. I helped her push it off and untuck my vest. Lucy removed the offending article, her small hands softly caressing by body as she went. Her fingers reached for the buckle of my belt, unhooked it and then paused. She looked up at me and her eyes were lustful but cautious.

"You can stop me", she mimicked. I shook my head and smiled wickedly.

I wasn't going to stop now. I knew what I wanted. It was Lucy. Always Lucy. I kissed her hard in reply and only broke away with a hiss when I felt her touch the hard length of me that was begging for attention. Lucy's bold fingers failed her as she struggled with the button on my pants. I took hold of her hands and kissed each one.

"Let me", I told her and moved off the mattress. I stood at the foot of the bed and undid my pants. Lucy propped herself up on her elbows and watched me as I stood naked. Her eyes regarded me slowly and I felt vulnerable for the first time. When her brown eyes returned to mine, I found I was too shy to hold her gaze and I looked away.

"James", she sighed desirously. "Come be with me". Lucy held out her hand and I reached for it. We lay side by side on the bed.

Lucy leaned over me brushed my hair off my face and tucked the wayward strands behind my ears. She smiled sweetly, encouragingly. It had been a lifetime since I had been with a woman. And never with one who I cared so much for. The old Bucky was confident, a charmer. Not a cad exactly but no stranger to seduction either. But I was different now. I didn't know how I'd handle the rush off feelings. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to love her right. That I'd hurt her, even now, just by being who I was.

"It's alright", she reassured me in a hushed tone.

I pushed her back on the bed and she closed her eyes as my fingers skimmed along the bare skin of her waist. My palm cupped her breast and my mouth covered the rosy pink nipple, my tongue circling as it budded between my lips. Lucy writhed and squirmed under me and when instinctively my teeth grazed her skin her breath caught in her throat. She opened her eyes then, catching mine and not leaving them as I settled between her soft, inviting thighs. I lowered myself down, almost covering her body with my own. She was so small, my body dwarfed hers. I held onto her waist firmly and pulled her upwards to meet the hard impatient part of me. Lucy hissed and I knew that I had knocked her tender skin. I was so much stronger, I could do anything to her; she wouldn't be able to stop me and yet she held all the power.

I wound my metal fingers in her soft wavy hair and kissed her so desperately. My flesh and bone hand moved lower, over the bruised skin and between her legs once more. She was warm and so wet. I groaned with such need. I had to be inside her. I broke from her lips.

"Lucy?" I rasped. I had to make sure it was what she wanted too. Her eyes fluttered open. She looked up at me and nodded. I held myself at her entrance. Lucy placed her hand on my chest and I paused.

"Slowly...please", she begged softly and I bent down and kissed her tenderly in reply.

I pushed gently and Lucy mewled in complaint against my mouth. I hissed and made to pull out but she wrapped her legs around my waist and shook her head.

"No", she breathed against my cheek. "Don't stop".

I moved once more and again, each thrust stronger than the last. Lucy took me and took all of me. She curled her arms around my neck and buried her face in my throat. With every thrust I felt her hot breath rush against my skin, I felt the murmur of pleasure and perhaps pain escape from her lips. I was electrified by those small moments. Enthralled by the intimacy. Her hips moved with mine and I drove deeper and deeper wanting to be utterly consumed by her. The emotions I had been so wary of gripped me and I couldn't fight them. I had lost control. My fingers dug painfully into the skin on her hips and I only released her when I finally came. I collapsed on top of her. Our bodies panting and shaking. It took a few moments for me to regain enough strength and I reluctantly withdrew. Only moving because I was aware that I was probably crushing her. I tried to ignore the pained whimper from Lucy as I rolled off her. I reached for her, pulling her towards me and curled my body around hers. Holding her still shaking body in my arms.

"Are you alright?" I asked hoarsely. She nodded.

"Are you?" she breathed.

"I'm exhausted", I admitted and I saw her lips curl up into a smile. My hand lazily ran over her hip, soothing the skin where I'd mauled her and then across her stomach where she was bruised. I couldn't help myself from planting little kisses on the back of her neck. We lay there peacefully as our breathing settled.

"I love you", I confessed quietly in the darkness. I had known how I had felt for so long, kept it to myself but to finally say the words aloud felt strange; alien almost. Lucy wriggled closer towards me and grabbed my hand between her small palms. She kissed my fingertips gently.

"I know", she told me honestly.

"I've been afraid to say it", I admitted. "I've wanted to, so many times".

"You didn't need to say it. I feel it", she whispered.

"I don't think I've been very good at this...at us", I explained woefully.

"Well, there was some pretty big clues. You've saved my life. Twice now, not that i'm keeping tally", she smiled and shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess nothing says true love like shooting a guy in the head and stabbing someone in the guts", I deadpanned. Lucy half smiled and then her expression changed. She pressed her lips together and her brows knitted together with worry.

"Are you still going to leave me?" Lucy asked quietly. Her question severed the warmth of contentment coursing through my body.

"No", I replied without even thinking about it and I shook my head.

"But you were going to. I could feel that as well", she pointed out seriously. I rolled her over onto back and took her face between my palms. I saw the sadness in her brown eyes, the fear that I would put her aside.

"I should. But I don't think I could stay away. I tried but I couldn't leave you behind", I confessed and kissed her lips. "No Lucy King, I'm with you. Always".


End file.
